When you’re twenty-nine years old and only beginning your first relationship, people tend to ask, “Why?” to defend that there is nothing wrong with you. But they might as well save their breath, because there actually is something wrong with you. I mean how is it that you can be mere months away from a milestone decade with only one notch on your girlfriend chart? Come on! That’s not normal!
This twenty-nine year old with “something wrong” is obviously me.
Two weeks ago I finally dropped my walls and faced up to the “something wrong” that has held me back for nearly half of my life. It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s been quite scary, but so far it has been worth it. So much weight has dropped off my shoulders; however, while I’ve felt some sense of relief, life has been far from easy. In fact, it’s been pretty difficult.
As I sit here tonight, with a few tears in my eyes, I can only wish that I would have faced up to my struggle sooner. When I think about it, I believe that my struggles began when I was in eighth grade, which would have been fifteen years ago. Fifteen years of depression is just too long, and what makes it worse is thinking about much I’ve held myself back from.
Without a doubt, love is the biggest sacrifice that my depression has forced me to make. In a way, I guess you can say that it’s also my biggest regret for not conquering these demons of mine way back when. I’ve already let it hold me back from potentially being with who I believe was the love of my life (which unfortunately I still regret more than anything in my life), but now I’m a bit fearful that it’s always going to hold me back. I could say more about that, but today really isn’t the night to do so. Sorry.
While I intended to include more in this post, unfortunately I’m not feeling like much of a blogger tonight. After a great day of babysitting, tonight has proven to be a little bit rough. But if I can leave you with one last thing, it’s this: Please don’t let anything, hold you back from love or happiness, as I have. In talking to one of my best friends today, she said, “Kris, I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be so happy.”
We all deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, those of us who struggle with this depression don’t believe that we do, which is why we don’t seek treatment right away. But I’m here to tell you that we do, indeed, deserve to be happy. We really do. And from what I’ve been told, you can find that happiness when you drop down your walls and let yourself be helped.
The Story- Brandi Carlile
I used to call myself a dreamer. There really was no better way to describe who I was. I used to spend my days reminiscing about past memories- and all those regrets in my childhood- and daydreaming about what the future held for me.
I haven’t done much dreaming lately. In fact, for the past year- maybe year and a half- I really haven’t dreamed at all. Incidentally, I also haven’t done much blogging either. I thought that I was just tired, or perhaps going through blogger’s block. But since yesterday, I can’t ignore the facts anymore: I’ve been struggling with depression.
Earlier this year I came out about my depression (and wrote a post about it), but to be honest, I never really stepped up and dealt with it… which is why I’m still not dreaming yet.
But I’m stepping up now. Thanks to my wonderful boyfriend and a few supportive friends, I was able to say, “I can’t do this anymore.” I really can’t. I’m not going to sit here and share all of my struggles, because even though I’ve vowed to be very honest on this little old blog of mine, some things really are meant just for me and those closest to me.
Although, that being said, I have a reason behind this acknowlegement: Please don’t hide from your problems like I have. If you’re suffering from depression, please take my lead and find the strength within yourself (I promise it’s there.) to notify a doctor or psychiatrist, or even an understanding friend or family member. Trust me, I know it isn’t easy, but you are certainly worth it.
One more thing: So I haven’t really been much of a blogger for the past year, so this may not really come as a surprise. But with everything going on (grad school, internship, studying, trying to have a social life) in addition to my struggle, I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here. Initially I was going to announce an official leave of absence, but I’m just not sure if that will be the case or not. So if this is the last post I write for a while- maybe a few months- then don’t be surprised. But then again, I may be compiling a post in a few days. Who knows.
But whatever the case may be, until the next time I feel the need to blog, take care of yourself.
Every now and then, I’m reminded of a post I wrote about a year and a half ago. It’s a post that many have thanked me for writing because it comforted them to know that someone else had experienced the same loss, pain, and heartbreak as they have. The post is called, Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made. who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.(http://livelovelearnbreathe.com/2011/03/30/regrets-and-mistakes-theyre-memories-made-who-would-have-known-how-bittersweet-this-would-taste/), and I can tell you know that it’s nothing more than a memory from the past.
But I’m not here to write about the past… nor the pain one endures from a broken heart. Instead I am here to provide evidence that one can overcome heartbreak and learn to love again. Just like Jennifer Aniston, I, myself, am proof that love can find the wounded.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers to how one finds love again- nor does (my friend) Jen. But, I’ll speak for both of us and say that the only way to find love again is to take chances and never give up hope.
I’ve been with Cubby for 4 months, and while our relationship has its ups-and-downs, I will admit that he has made me believe again. Yes, the guy I met on a random Sunday Funday has stolen my heart and helped me see that love is possible (again).
So if I can do it… despite all of the bad luck, heartbreak, and frustration… SO CAN YOU!!!
Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage, just literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it. (Benjamin Mee)
It’s a Saturday night and I am perfectly content sitting on my couch in sweatpants, a ponytail, and leftover make-up from brunch this morning- watching Grey’s Anatomy. Sitting here now, I’m not sure why I even bother with the crazy Chicago bar scene most weekend nights because this is proving to be better than any Too Loud- Too Crowded bar right now. (Someone please remind me that I said this next weekend when I’m responding to text messages about where to go.)
Since I’m in for the night- hopefully, at least- I’ve decided to ease some internal uncertainties and PMS-induced hormones through the powerful remedy of blog therapy. And after coming across the quote above (via Pinterest), which is from the movie, We Bought A Zoo, I think that I need twenty seconds of insane courage tonight. Just a mere twenty seconds to say some things that I’ve been hiding inside of me, frankly because I’ve been too afraid to do so. But here it goes, for the next twenty seconds…
It’s been a rough year. Between the job changes and extra hours of grad classes, grad school assignments, and grad school life stress, I’ve found myself overwhelmed and/or numb at various points. But while that is expected with the territory, I will say that the financial issues (student loan problems, loss of jobs, absence of unemployment payments, bills bills bills) are what has pushed me over the edge. Honestly, I can’t remember too many nights this past year when I wasn’t stressing about (not having) money. But despite these challenges, I’ll admit that I’ve really lost sight of myself this year. In fact, in comparison to this time last year, I’m not sure if I’m really the same (similar) person as I was before grad school began last August. I’m going to leave it at that instead of creating a laundry of “my issues”.
So what’s happened to me? How did I let myself go, and why? And can I (finally) get back to being myself again…or do I have to wait until grad school ends next year? Can’t I just please feel better, once and for all??!!
Can I really (still) call myself a blogger if I never blog? I mean seriously, it’s been months since I’ve actually typed up some resemblance of a clusterf**k/ written therapy that consists of letters, words, and emotional ramblings. What the heck happened??? Where I have been??? What have I been doing instead???
Well, let me start by saying that Summer 2012 has seen a lot of changes. For starters, I’ve been experiencing the summer months through a relationship witha great guy (Cubby) and working through the ups-and-downs that come with the boyfriend-girlfriend status. (Note: Even despite the “downs”, Cubby has proven to be a fantastic guy/ boyfriend.) Additionally, I’ve spent the last few weeks officially unemployed after ending my gig as nanny extraordinaire. (Unfortunately, unemployed translates to NO MONEY. Yeah, it’s been a little rough, to say the least.) Grad school has also kept me quite busy this summer, but I’ve been lucky to have a month-long break to combat the past year’s philosophy of Eat-Work- Grad School- (Relationship)- Sleep.
However, I can say that this summer has also allotted some great news too: I’m going to be doing my (required) Child Life internship this fall at a local hospital in Chicago. The dream is continuing to come true.
This summer has also allowed me to spend time with a out-of-town friends (who visited The Windy City). But although that’s been a perk, I’ve been struggling to spend time with my local friends- primarily due to schedule conflicts and being in a relationship. I promise I’m not saying the latter is a bad thing (!!!), but rather it’s something that I’ve (finally) been able to experience firsthand.
In any case, this summer has been a bit of a whirlwind for me and I really haven’t had much time to blog. Then again, even when I have had time, I can’t say that I’ve felt as though I have anything to blog about. (Call it blogger’s block? Or am I simply struggling to express myself?) Well, while I can’t predict the future, I will say that I hope to jump back on the blog-wagon soon and start writing more. After all, I think I could use a little blog therapy these days.
Hope all is well with you (whoever you are that actually read this).
A lot can happen in ten years. For some people, they can fall in love… become engaged… get married… and have a baby. For others, they may study abroad and only come back to The States every other Christmas. Then there are those who enroll law school or med school and lose track of time (and their social life)altogether.
But for me, the past ten years since I graduated high school have, in essence, taken me away from everything I knew during the first 18 years of my life. (Interesting enough, I say this as I prepare to embark on a roadtrip back to Pittsburgh with Cubby, my boyfriend.) However, ever since I made the decision to plan my 10-year high school reunion this week, high school doesn’t seem that long ago… until I think about everything that has changed since my teenage year.
I don’t talk much about my high school days, and really haven’t done so since I left “The Bubble” (which is what we all used to call our hometown) officially before my sophomore year of college. In essence, so many things have happened since then, and I’ve grown so much, that they really are simply part of past now. They include some good memories, as well as some bad ones. But most importantly, as I reflect upon that time in my life, I have no regrets. Now I’ll be honest and admit that wasn’t always the case; however, ten years later, I’ve finally let it all go.
Kelly Clarkson recently stated that her happy relationship (and wonderful boyfriend) were ruining her creativity (aka her ‘angry girl music’). Well, in a way I guess I can say the same about me. Since my relationship with Tony began (approximately) two months ago, I’ve found myself failing to find any reason to sit down and write out a blog post. Okay, part of that may be a result of not having much time to myself with all of the guests that I’ve been hosting lately, but still, I think it’s safe to say that my A*MAY*ZING boyfriend has something to do with it to. I mean, honestly, and those that know him will agree, there is nothing bad to say about him and our relationship. Absolutely nothing. And if there was, then it would be that I’m not sure if I’m fully deserving of being with such a wonderful guy… but let’s not go there tonight, okay?
So, since I haven’t really written much about him and our relationship on this little ol’ blog of mine, I can start by sharing our story.
Once upon a time, on a Sunday Funday (or Sunday, April 15, 2012), I found myself engaging in some all-day drinking with a few friends before heading to my favorite Chicago (Sunday country music bar) for dinner and another drink. (Note: This bar is also where I met Cleveland, as well as another former hookup, so it’s been known for shenanigans.) Minutes after our arrival, I began conversing with a friend of Cubby’s while Jenny (one of my best friends) soon started talking to Cubby. (Honestly, I didn’t even remember seeing him.) Now some, or most, of the details are blurry, but I do remember him insisting on buying me another screwdriver after mine was knocked over, and when he went to scout out the server Jenny saying, “He thinks you’re cute. Go talk to him.” So I did…or rather he started talking to me. Again, it’s kinda blurry, but I will say that at one point he asked for my phone number and assured my cynical self that he was going to call me the next day and take me out the following week/weekend. (He followed through.)
Since that night, Cubby has been nothing but incredible. I’d say perfect, but I don’t want him to start slacking off. (He wouldn’t anyways, but let’s play it safe here.) As I sit here and write tonight, I can only hope that I can treat him as well as he treats me.
But I also cannot help but think about all of the times I’ve written about love and relationships on this blog, feeling both hopeful and hopeless. Above all, I remember wanting to experience it so badly, even though I wasn’t sure if I would ever truly be someone’s girlfriend. Despite those uncertainties and the ones I addressed during my last post, I am someone’s girlfriend; and although I’m not the best girlfriend (yet), I’m a very lucky girl to call him mine.
Looking back on the past two months, I’ll say that I really wasn’t (necessarily) looking to be in a relationship; however, I think this blog is proof that I’ve been looking for a guy like Cubby for a very long time. While I don’t know what the future holds for us, I will say that I’m so glad that he came into my life when he did. Like I said, I’m a very lucky girl.
Cubby’s Favorite Song (Seriously): Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen