Archive for the ‘just checking in’ Category
A few weeks ago, my dad asked me, “Do you still have your blog?” I answered with a strong “yes”, but then found myself explaining (aka making excuses) that while I have a blog, it’s not necessarily something that I would classify it as an active blog. And for those of you who have read my blog before, you will certainly agree with me.
Thirteen months ago, my life changed when I met my boyfriend, who I have referred to as Cubby, in my favorite country bar on good ole fashioned Sunday Funday here in Chicago. Thirteen months ago was also about halfway through my two-year graduate school program and near the time that my internship applications were due. In addition, it was also around the time that I made the decision to renew my one-bedroom apartment lease for another year, and rationing that it would be the last time since a year later I was planning to apply for positions across the country following my graduation.
But that was then, and this is now. Now I am sitting here surrounded by boxes anxiously waiting for the next three sleeps to pass so I can move into my new apartment with “my keeper” of a boyfriend. Now I am also in possession of a Master’s Degree and the completion of a competitive internship.
Thirteen months ago, I made the decision to go outside my comfort zone and allowed the boy from the bar to take me out on a date. About twelve months ago, I allowed myself to call that boy my boyfriend. And about seven months ago, I allowed myself to my vulnerable with that boy by letting him move into my bachelorette pad of an apartment… and into my life in every way.
The past thirteen months since Cubby came into my life have been a beautiful blur of love and happiness, as well as the stress and challenges that school and relationships bring. But more than anything, these past thirteen months have helped me find the confidence within myself that I had been searching to rediscover for many years now.
What I’ve learned more than anything is how much one can grow when you allow yourself to take a step outside your comfort zone. As far as my story goes, by allowing myself to fall in love with Cubby and allowing him to love me, I’ve learned to love myself.
Oh, wait! That’s right! I have a blog! I do. I really do. I have a blog that serves as ‘free therapy” to get my thoughts and feelings out when I’m feeling stressed, lonely, confused, and/or lost in this world. So why haven’t I been using it? Why have I been MIA from my second home?
The God-honest truth is that I’ve been busy. Very busy. Between nannying and school, doing school work and entertaining guests, I’ve hardly had enough time to sleep at night before preparing for the next day. Translation: I am exhausted, but the show must go on!
So while I intended to write a post this morning, instead I’m just going to say: I’m alive, and fairly well. I really am busy, busy, busy. But I guess grad school will do that to you.
I hope all of you are doing well, and I promise there will be another post as soon as something arises that isn’t about grad school, nannying, or my lack of sleep. Until then, cause some trouble for me! XOXO
I can start by saying that I’ve been trying to write a post for the past few weeks, especially after realizing that it’s been quite a while since I”ve done so. I really have. But with my schedule, by the time I get home from class at night, I am only thinking about getting my schoolwork done and getting into my bed ASAP.
Tonight is different. For starters, I don’t have to do any schoolwork tonight since I’m out of class until Monday. (Yes!) And second, I have enough time to take the time to reflect on what’s going on with me. After all, this blog is currently my therapy and therefore, I need to use it as such.
Okay, let me backtrack. Let me tell you what has been dwelling on my mind these past few hours- or maybe the past few days. Now I’m not going to go into details, but will say that I’ve been struggling with trying to get someone to trust me; to trust that I am someone who puts others before herself. Someone who is quite A*MAY*ZING, even if she doesn’t always admit that about herself.
So tonight, a night that I shouldn’t have anything to stress about, I sit and worry about how to make someone see the real me. How can I convince someone to trust me? How can I let someone know that I’m dedicated to the task at hand? How do I assure someone that I am someone who they will (one day) feel lucky to have in their life?
To be honest, I know I’ll feel better in the morning; and actually, I’m doing okay right now despite writing about it. I just hope that I can show this someone that I’m as wonderful as I’m beginning to believe I am.
PS. I’m feeling much better than I did during the last few posts. I’m definitely getting stronger, day by day.
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.
I wish I could sing. Or dance. Gosh, watching So You Think You Can Dance always leaves me wishing I could express myself and inspire others like those dancers can. Some days I wish I could run my heart out for miles and miles. Run so far, so fast that nothing was left of me.
But I can’t sing nor can I dance. And besides a few miles every now and then, I could never call myself a runner. So when I need to express myself, I turn to my inner- Carrie Bradshaw and I write. I write to seek understanding for my weary mind and answers for those questions that keep me up at night. I write to provide refuge for my vulnerable heart and courage to the things I both fear & desire to feel. I write to feel more like myself because to me, writing is my singing; my dancing; my running.
But when a writer can’t write, what does she do?
Last week I struggled to find the words to express myself and current (potential) Quarterlife Crisis for the Stratejoy Blogger application. For three days I wrote and then deleted possible explanations to not only share with those reading my application, but also for myself. I needed to figure out exactly what has been bothering me and if this summer funk is more of a Quarterlife Crisis after all. Between you and me, I wasn’t satisfied with the application I turned in. The words on those pages were only just words because I just couldn’t find a way to express what I’ve been going through. The words weren’t there to make sense of it, once and for all.
For someone who relies on words to be her vice, it’s difficult when the words are not able to be found. You go to bed at night hoping that those words will find their way home in the morning sun. You pick up a pen multiple times a day wondering if the inspiration will come as the tip hits the paper. Without your words, you struggle to find your voice and make sense of your feelings. You fight to find them knowing that until you do you’ll never be able to find the relief you seek. For a writer without her words simply can’t be. With no words, she can not be everything she’s always known herself to be.
I need to find my words. I need to understand what I’ve been going through.
In the quiet hours when we are alone with ourselves and there is nobody to tell us what fine fellows we are, we come sometimes upon a weak moment in which we wonder, not how much money we are earning, nor how famous we are becoming, but what good we are doing.
A. A. Milne, Not That It Matters
Yep, still not feeling well. What is this? And when will to finally go away??? We’re hoping to rule out mono (pingers crossed), and trying treat it with lots of early bedtimes and gallons of OJ. Honestly, I’m starting to believe that this really is a case of being run-down (and maybe a minor sinus infection).
Over lunch with a colleague a few weeks ago I mentioned that I’ve been having a difficult time keeping dates & plans straight. Sometimes I write the wrong month, and today the wrong year, but who doesn’t do that? On Saturday night I confessed to Michelle that I’ve been a horrible friend lately, stressing out a bit over the with a list of missed calls & emails that continue to pile up. I just don’t have the energy to even know where to start. So, I’m going to rest and breathe. I’m going to breathe a lot. I’m going to rest up & take lots of deep breaths in order get back on my feet.
See, here’s the other thing: When I’m exhausted- physically, mentally, and emotionally- I start to stress. The negative thoughts start filling my mind. I use to not know how to make them stop and therefore, I let myself be exhausted & stressed out. But not anymore. Now I know that in addition to hot tea & OJ, I need to rest up & takes lots of deep breaths. I know that it’s okay not to be okay all the time, but I also know what to do to feel better.
Two other things that I always prescribe myself in times like these are Good Friends and Kid Therapy. Lucky me, I find both with one family: I love The Elfvins so much! After a date night with Max on Saturday, I accepted Michelle & Bayard’s invitation to stay over and enjoy brunch with them the next day. As I just told Michelle on the phone, it was the perfect morning. Words cannot express what it means to me that I’m welcomed into their family. Sunday morning was the best I’ve felt in a week; and while the food was great, I know that it was because of their company. So again, my friends, thank you! You definitely deserve an A*MAY*ZING.
So…I haven’t been feeling well this week. I know I’m sick when I don’t want coffee. Whatever bug I have has left me feeling ridiculously weak, unexplainably sore, and man, am I tired! I literally passed out last night around 9 pm (if not earlier), and even after a 12-hour night’s rest I found the need to add a two-hour nap to my afternoon. But this is where the sleeping the day away ends because this sick little lady has a date tonight….with my equally ill little boo, Max. Cuddling with him is the only prescription I need!
I’ve attempted to write multiple times these last few days- brainstorming ideas to help distract and reenergize me- but I think this is as much of a post as I’ve going to muster up. Plus, I’ll save all my energy for Max because I know he’ll want to play as soon as I get there.
So here I am, admitting that I need to take a break from all the running around and rest up because there’s a lot going on these next few weeks, including a 30th Birthday Trolley Extravaganza for Sarah (!!), trips to Iowa (for work), Pittsburgh, and Athens (!!), ladies’ weekend with Kristin & her mom (!!), and as much volunteering as I can fit in. Oh yeah, and the chance to maybe/possibly see and/or meet the one-and-only David Beckham when the Galaxy is in town to play the Fire. It’s a longshot, but anything is possible, right?
Okay, back to resting up for a bit before I head out to see my boo. XOXO