it’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear you. you almost feel ashamed. you feel like nothing. like no one will ever understand how much it hurts. you feel hopeless, like nothing can save you.

While I’m reluctant to admit this, I will.  I’ve been laying in my bed for the last hour feeling nothing but emptiness.  At some moments, despite trying my hardest, I couldn’t even feel my own body weight under the covers.  It’s instances like that when I know I have to turn to my blog- or a confidante- and acknowledge the struggles I’m having instead of hiding my feelings (or lack thereof) inside in hoping that some sleep will end the struggles.

Things have been rough lately, as I opened up about on my last few posts.  But while the loss of a job, struggles with finances, and the end of a relationship have played a role, I must admit that my biggest challenge has been with depression.  As hard as it is to say, I’ve been depressed for most of the past year; and for the most part, I’ve kept these struggles to myself.

But today I’ve opened up about these difficult times to a few people, one of those being a women in California who is unfortunately suffering from depression too.  As the recipient of a love letter bundle from The World Needs More Love Letters (www.moreloveletters.com), I decided to open up to her and share that I, too, and enduring similar challenges right now.  My reason was not to bring the focus to me, and if anything it was just the opposite.  I wanted her to know that she isn’t alone.  For individuals suffering from depression, it is so important that they know they are not alone- because that is most of what they feel.

Depression is a horrible creature.  Not only have I learned by battling it myself, but I’ve watched many loved ones suffer from it too.  It is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, if I had one, and if anything I have dedicated much of my life to helping others overcome depression because it breaks my heart to know that someone could possibly feel this way.  Unfortunately anxiety & depression have played a large role in my life, which is something I used to be ashamed to admit.  But to be honest, it’s a struggle I’ve learned to embrace because it allows me to better understand and help others get through it. 

So while I’m still here working on my own issues every day, I can tell you that I whole-heartedly know that this too shall passI recognize that everything is temporary and therefore, I’ll get through these weak moments.  And although I continue to keep most of my struggles to myself, I have hope knowing that I’m not alone. 

If you’ve never battled depression, I envy you.  Even though it’s brought awareness and experiences to my life, I wish this wasn’t part of my destiny.  But since it is, I can share my story.  And maybe, someone will come across this and find peace in knowing that they aren’t alone.

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2 thoughts on “it’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear you. you almost feel ashamed. you feel like nothing. like no one will ever understand how much it hurts. you feel hopeless, like nothing can save you.

  1. Thank you for your post. I think I am undergoing a depression too. I feel ashamed as you say. It hurts to admit it. Pain on top of more pain. It makes me angry…..to think that it is all in my head. This is a battle against ourselves….for ourselves. We are worth the fight so lets keep struggling. In time we will persevere. Best of luck.

    1. We are fighting together, for each other!!! While it’s hard to admit, as I’ve been neglecting to do for a while now, we have to otherwise it really will be a continuous struggle. Let’s beat it, okay?!!!! If you need anything, you know where to find me. Email is Kristen.Medica@gmail.com.

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