My friend, Jenny, and I have been going through our own respective rough patches these last few weeks, so much so that I truly believe that we should book our 1-way ticket to California do we can wash away all of our worries with bottomless glasses of wine. Ah, California. The trip of no worries, no anxieties, and no drama. It was two months ago (today actually) that I was thrilled to escape this frantic city and chaotic life for sunshine and lots of red wine. Eight weeks ago I was feeling refreshed, confident, and high on life. Fifty-six days ago, I had no idea how lost I was going to feel when reality and I returned to Chicago.
Jenny has been ‘my person’ (like Meredith & Cristina on Grey’s Anatomy) since that trip- if not before. Over the last few weeks, we’ve exchanged hundreds of texts, emails, and phone calls; shared dozens of drinks; and tried to give the best to make the other feel better. Unfortunately we’re both still struggling, but at least we both know by now that we’re not alone through these challenging times.
The last two months/ eight weeks/ fifty-six days have been an emotional whirlwind for me. Yes, those days include my “break-up” with “Cleveland” and the 1o-day pact to get over him, but there’s so much that I haven’t mentioned…until now. Where should I start? Hmmm…well, within ten hours of my flight landing in Chicago, I was informed that my organization was “letting me go” because I “no longer have a place there”. Since then I’ve been struggling to find something, focusing on nanny jobs that would fit my school schedule and allow me to apply my child development knowledge. After at least a dozen of interviews, I’m still without a family. On top of that, there are my financial issues. (Sorry, but I don’t feel like going there.) And then there is the inevitable boy trouble. As noted, “Cleveland” still weighs heavy on my mind (and in my heart); but in addition, yesterday I found myself hurt again. After having a platonic rendezvous with “Missouri” last week, he joined the Club of Guys Who Don’t Want Me. (I’m not kidding, or trying to feel sorry for myself. It’s true.) So yeah, even though my situation with him include absolutely no feelings and nothing-but-fun, he left me too.
So while I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I am sad. I’m heartbroken. I feel unwanted beyond belief. I want to run away and start all over again. And most importantly, I don’t want to feel so alone right now…but really that’s all I’m feeling.
But I’ll admit that I whole-heartedly believe that I’m going to feel better soon. After a break from school and work, not to mention a week back home visiting family and friends, I’m going to feel better. I’ll feel better after I leave my job and start fresh with something new- or at least have more time for school work. As “Missouri” keeps saying, “(I) need time to heal.” To be honest, right now I feel like I just need someone to carry me; someone to be there for me. But then again, maybe he’s right. Maybe I need to heal. But you know what? I don’t know if I can or rather, exactly what it is that I need to heal from.
All I want is to feel better. And none of this temporary fix stuff from a boy who gives me attention at the bar and for a few days of texting after. I want to feel like myself again.