so if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, i will carry you home tonight.

My friend, Jenny, and I have been going through our own respective rough patches these last few weeks, so much so that I truly believe that we should book our 1-way ticket to California do we can wash away all of our worries with bottomless glasses of wine.  Ah, California.  The trip of no worries, no anxieties, and no drama.  It was two months ago (today actually) that I was thrilled to escape this frantic city and chaotic life for sunshine and lots of red wine.  Eight weeks ago I was feeling refreshed, confident, and high on life. Fifty-six days ago, I had no idea how lost I was going to feel when reality and I returned to Chicago.

Jenny has been ‘my person’ (like Meredith & Cristina on Grey’s Anatomy) since that trip- if not before.  Over the last few weeks, we’ve exchanged hundreds of texts, emails, and phone calls; shared dozens of drinks; and tried to give the best to make the other feel better.  Unfortunately we’re both still struggling, but at least we both know by now that we’re not alone through these challenging times.

The last two months/ eight weeks/ fifty-six days have been an emotional whirlwind for me.  Yes, those days include my “break-up” with “Cleveland” and the 1o-day pact to get over him, but there’s so much that I haven’t mentioned…until now.  Where should I start?  Hmmm…well, within ten hours of my flight landing in Chicago, I was informed that my organization was “letting me go” because I “no longer have a place there”.  Since then I’ve been struggling to find something, focusing on nanny jobs that would fit my school schedule and allow me to apply my child development knowledge.  After at least a dozen of interviews, I’m still without a family.  On top of that, there are my financial issues.  (Sorry, but I don’t feel like going there.)  And then there is the inevitable boy trouble.  As noted, “Cleveland” still weighs heavy on my mind (and in my heart); but in addition, yesterday I found myself hurt again.  After having a platonic rendezvous with “Missouri” last week, he joined the Club of Guys Who Don’t Want Me.  (I’m not kidding, or trying to feel sorry for myself.  It’s true.)  So yeah, even though my situation with him include absolutely no feelings and nothing-but-fun, he left me too.

So while I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I am sad.  I’m heartbroken.  I feel unwanted beyond belief.  I want to run away and start all over again.  And most importantly, I don’t want to feel so alone right now…but really that’s all I’m feeling. 

But I’ll admit that I whole-heartedly believe that I’m going to feel better soon.  After a break from school and work, not to mention a week back home visiting family and friends, I’m going to feel better.  I’ll feel better after I leave my job and start fresh with something new- or at least have more time for school work.  As “Missouri” keeps saying, “(I) need time to heal.”  To be honest, right now I feel like I just need someone to carry me; someone to be there for me.  But then again, maybe he’s right.  Maybe I need to heal.  But you know what?  I don’t know if I can or rather, exactly what it is that I need to heal from. 

All I want is to feel better.  And none of this temporary fix stuff from a boy who gives me attention at the bar and for a few days of texting after.  I want to feel like myself again.


Song of the Moment: We Are Young by Fun ft. Janelle Monae & We Are Young performed by Glee Cast


7 thoughts on “so if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, i will carry you home tonight.

  1. PUUUULEASE don’t get down on yourself. I know that’s easy to say. First – screw your job. How dare they be so vague about it. First, you must get your head on straight and request a letter of recommendation and an explanation of why you were let go. Was this a performance issue? Was it economical? New employers are going to ask. It’s your every right to also get a copy of your personnel file. (Can you tell I’ve been here before?) Next… is there ANY reason you feel like this is wrongful termination?

    How’s the resume? Need any revamping? What about networking? Are there any families you babysit for on occasion that may need a more full time person? Or… do they know of any friends/people from playgroups that may be looking for someone? WOM – word of mouth. Tell as many people that you like and know (you should definitely like them if you want to work for someone they know), that you’re looking for work. I worked part time nannying and doing some marketing consulting work for a YEAR when I lost my job. It can take a while, but from someone who came out on the other side, you’ll make it. You will be OKAY!!! Email me if you need to talk, Chica. Been there.

  2. I get behind in my Google Reader for ONE week and it looks like I’ve already missed a lot of what’s going on in your life.

    Truthfully, I know that words on in a comment can’t really help you work through the emotions you’re feeling right now, but I hope you know how much I truly love you. My heart aches and I simply CANNOT wait to hug you in a couple weeks.

    And always remember: “This too shall pass…” Sometimes we have to feel the pain in order to know find a way to move forward in life.

    Love you tons, lady. xo

    1. Well, it hasn’t happened al in one week, but rather me not opening up about things. The support of you and so ,many other wonderful people is what makes me know I’m going to be okay.

      So excited to meet you!!!!


  3. I just want to say that you seem like my kind of gal, and you saved my day, not only did your page have a picture of Meredith Grey and Christina Yang but your song of the day is the same as mine! I found your page by looking up that song. One day at a time, it seems to help me when I get down with school, work and life. You are a goddess as we all are and because of that you have the great power to heal whether it be yourself and/or others. Peace, love and smiles!

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