even on my weakest days, i get a little bit stronger.

The stuff that we go through in life- the negative and the knocks- we can choose to take us down, or we can choose to stand up or rise up and make us even more brilliant and beautiful.
~Mia Michaels~

The truth is that I haven’t felt like myself for a while now.  My workouts stopped back in February and since March I’ve hardly been able to get out of bed.  My appetite has lessened as time goes on, even failing to eat breakfast most mornings which used to be a mandatory task within twenty minutes of waking up.  I’ve even lost my taste for coffee, which sounds strange to those that know me and the inevitable Starbucks cup that used to be in my hand.  I’ve stopped volunteering as much, even canceling from time to time because I couldn’t motivate myself to go; and sadly I’ve done the same a few times with class.  And then there is my whole financial situation, which was mainly a result of using shopping to fill the void that has been living inside of me for a while now.  (Note: I kept doing it because it never really worked more than a temporary fix.) 

As of most recent, I’ve lost sight of myself these last few months- 3 months to be exact.  With my summer funk continuing, school beginning, and work proving to be more and more unsettling, my life collided with that of someone whom I refer to as “Cleveland”.  As if everything else wasn’t enough, I became overloaded with conflicting desires, emotions, and morals.  Looking back I don’t necessary regret it, but know that I should have walked away from the beginning.  I should have trusted myself enough to know that I didn’t have the strength nor energy to handle something of that nature.  But then again, I liked the attention and the fact he wanted me.

But this post isn’t about “Cleveland” nor blaming him for my personal problems.  I mean, if anything, he actually helped me feel good about myself for a while.  But again this isn’t about him.  Instead it’s about me.  Me, myself, and I.  It’s about what’s going on with me and the struggles I’ve endured this past year.  Interesting enough, it really hasn’t been a bad year at all.  However, I know that certain stressors have pulled at my strings for some time now and it’s gotten to the point where I really couldn’t suppress them anymore.

I was doing so much better starting yesterday, after taking some time for myself; and because of this, I know that I’ll continue to feel better.  Even though I’ve felt off for a long time I always knew that things would get better.  After all, it always gets better.  (This too shall pass.)  Honestly I’ve just been struggling to figure out a way to get started.  The beginning of school and trip to California provided temporary reliefs, but in essence it was never proved to be enough.  However, with regards to the California trip and other moments of happiness, they’ve always helped to remind me that how I felt during those times is how I want to always feel.  

So that brings me today, which is the beginning Day 10 of getting over “Cleveland”.  I’m feeling stronger; much stronger than I was a few days ago when I was numb to the world and had eyes filled with tears.  I’m stronger.  Today I am stronger, and tomorrow I’ll be a little bit stronger than I am today.  I know this because I’m letting myself feel more than I have for the majority of this past year.  I’m not suppressing all of the stresses and sadness that once consumed my body and took over my mind.  I know it’s not a 10-day cure-all miracle, but by growing stronger every day I know that it’s achievable.  I know that I’ll achieve it. 

As tough as these days have been at times, I am seeing them as a blessing in disguise.  Every mistake is a lesson learned.  Every heartbreak is a stepping stone.  Those tears, well they were clearing my eyes so I could see better.  I may never know if “Cleveland” walked into my life or if I walked into his, but I can accept that it happened to make me stronger.  And I can accept I am where I am today in order to get where I’m going.  When life doesn’t seem to make sense, we can merely call it a lesson learned. 

I couldn’t end this post without saying “Thank You” to everyone who continues to stand by my side.  Most of you know that I have the tendency to take care of others much more than myself and that this tends to get me into trouble when I reach my limit and crash.  But because of you, I always pick myself back up again.  You give me your hands so I can wipe off my knees and jump back in.  So because of you, I’m able to restart again.  You are the ones who have helped me stand up again. 

Song of the Moment: A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

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2 thoughts on “even on my weakest days, i get a little bit stronger.

  1. Girl, you are obviously depressed. Those are all the signs and symptoms, and even MORE SO because your year was not *bad* (ie- no deaths or major incidents that could cause situational depression or ptsd or anything)… it’s easy for us to say we have the “blues”…but it sounds like you got some real depression. I have it too. Even medicated, sometimes it is straight up hard as hell to get out of bed in the morning.

    Regarding taking some time for yourself- you have to do that EVERY SINGLE DAY! I am telling you- the change I feel on a day that I woke up, took some time for myself, and THEN gave myself over to others (work, school, just being around people) is so significant. And every night, I devote at least 20 minutes to myself. A gift to myself. Every day. I found some great stuff on youtube…

    this my favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aYqGnIz2F8&list=FLluqtO240acpyBx7e3mo50w&index=10&feature=plpp_video

    second favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52-N3fSiXhc&list=FLluqtO240acpyBx7e3mo50w&index=11&feature=plpp_video It just shows you how to relax yourself by recognizing the difference in your muscles.

    I do this EVERY NIGHT. And I’m not as down as I was at this time last year even though WAY worse things have happened & I have every reason to be depressed. I’m seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, so that should explain just how horrible the year has been for me — yet there are little ways I’m learning every day to be kind to myself and do whatever it is that makes me feel WELL.

    Hang in there 🙂

    Mel

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