She was upset that we didn’t have a white marker but I ensured her that the paper was white so it didn’t matter. She chose pink instead and asked if I could draw a really big dress for the bride. Then she chose blue for me to draw the little boy (ring bearer). Before I knew it, she was having me draw a groom- with a big smile. “He is smiling because he thinks the bride is pretty and he loves her.”
She continued to draw- realizing that the bride needed her flowers and the groom his shoes- and talk to me about (how she preceived) love, marriage, and the whole Prince Charming- Princess- Happily Ever After scenario that she believed in with her entire 4-year old little heart.
As her heart filled with hope, mine was being crushed. Part of me wanted to tell her right then and there about the reality of love, marriage, and everything but happily ever after, but I resisted. As much as I didn’t want her heart to be crushed in twenty years, I couldn’t bear the thought of crushing her heart now. So instead, although it pains me to know she’ll be forced to learn one day, I needed to let her have hope now. I needed to let her continue believing for her own sake, and maybe mine too.
I used to be Sofia. I used to draw brides and grooms with big red smiles and hearts shining in their eyes. I used to believe in Prince Charming and happily ever after. But now, after twentysome years of baggage and scars, I’m not quite sure I know what I believe. For the life of me, I cannot picture myself wearing a beautiful dress and looking up an aisle to see a boy smiling back. And with regards to Prince Charming, let’s just say I have my doubts.
I came home tonight and let a few tears roll down my cheek. I was holding them back for most of the day and knew I was safe in my apartment. Where they came from can only be speculated by a few hypotheses; however, one of them may very well be the result of Sofia’s heart-felt wishes. Maybe I really do wish that I could believe again?