me and my foolish heart.

I don’t even know what to say, but something is telling me to turn to my blog for help.  Actually, I was hoping that Jenny (who I am now calling “my sponsor”) would text me back and I could work through my issues with her.

So what’s going on?  Actually that’s something I’d really like to know myself.  The last few days have been a little funkish for me, but nothing really noteworthy.  Instead, I’ve found myself to be a little thrown off by a word that keeps creeping into my mind: Fool.  “I am such a fool” and “I am being so foolish” are how I’ve been seeing myself these last few days.

I wish I could elaborate more on the reasons, but this is another one of those topics that I’m going to have to be vague about.  (Forgive me.)  In essence, I’ve allowed myself to be in a position that I never thought I’d be in.  As was mentioned in a recent post, I fought (myself) hard before deciding to take a chance on something that my conscience always labeled as “Do not enter” territory.  But for some reason, I couldn’t resist.  I just couldn’t walk away.  Part of me still feels like I can’t, or at least doesn’t want to, but this feeling of foolishness may be making the decision for me. 

I’ve always been the girl who swore she’d never be the one to let a guy make her lose sight of herself.  Nope, not me.  But here I am, still compromising what I’ve always stood.  Here I am, checking my phone every now and then hoping that he would ask me how my day was going or see one of those “Good night beautiful.” texts that were a nightly routine once upon a time.  Like I said, I’m a fool.  A fool who is guilty of losing sight of herself the last few weeks.  A fool who really started believing that this chance really was worth taking.  But now, this fool, just doesn’t know what to believe.


8 thoughts on “me and my foolish heart.

  1. There is nothing foolish about letting yourself love. Where the feeling of ‘fool’ comes into play (forgive me, you & I don’t know one another, so I’m making a couple of gentle assumptions based on familiarity) is when we take the risk, and when things don’t transpire as we desire. The risk is still worth the taking, though. Falling in love is a gigantic risk for anyone. Knowing that you might get hurt -very hurt- and taking the risk anyway. Making yourself vulnerable. There is no shame in that whatsoever. I don’t know if this will help, but Brene Brown discussed vulnerability, and its importance for all of us. It’s about 20 minutes long, but so worth your time.

  2. Thank you! I just listed to Brene Brown’s talk and it certainly spoke to me. I appreciate your comment and the other ones you’ve been posting. As far as the “fool” sensation I mention here, I wish I could elaborate on this scenario, but out of respect for another I cannot. I agree that there’s nothing foolish about taking a chance on love, and the foolishness I’m feeling very well may be vulnerability. I know I’ve been letting myself be vulnerable. I’ve dropped my guard as much as possible here. But maybe this is one of those situations where I should keep my guard up and save my vulnerable side for another.

    1. Completely understood, and I have enormous respect for people’s privacy, so no elaboration is necessary. 🙂 Letting one’s guard down is so very difficult…I say this as a survivor of 2 really bad marriages (the second one being a 12-year long emotionally abusive one), and surviving with my sanity mostly intact. When I met the man who is now my husband, letting my guard down was SO difficult – and even years later, I sometimes feel the pang of wanting to rebuild those walls around my heart…but I know, too, that is my own fear speaking. The choice of whom to bare yourself to is as important as the choice to be vulnerable. I wish you the very best in this…and know that you’ve got a cheerleader here, whatever you decide. 🙂

      1. I really do hope you know how much your comments and words of widsom & encouragement mean to me. With regards to this situation, I’m so torn, confused, maybe somewhat hurt. Part of me wants to characterize it as ‘another lesson learned’, but then again I’d be lying if I said that was all this was (to me). I think my biggest problem is- and the reason I feel foolish- is because I let myself take a chance even though I knew that I was the one who would get hurt.

  3. *nodding* One of our toughest areas to work through is our own egos, where our sense of self resides. Self-knowledge is a lifelong learning mechanism. The fact that you are speaking to this area tells me you are gaining a *lot* of insight into who you are. Knowing who you are ultimately illuminates areas of learning, and helps in the healing process and how to be kinder to yourself. It’s one of those things that nobody really teaches us, because there is no one right way of learning it…we all learn in our own way (and sadly, some never do learn). A really great book I’ve read for my current (and final YAY!) class is Theory U: Leading from the future as it emerges by C. Otto Scharmer. The primary focus of the theory is in the realm of business and leadership; however, much of the information provided in the book also holds true to very personal areas of our lives as individuals, and discusses in depth the importance of self love…and the importance of letting go. Not forgetting, mind…but letting go. 🙂

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