i’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. i make mistakes, i am out of control and at times hard to handle.

I told him I was trouble.  (I’m really not.)  I said it to him- more than once- because I felt like I had to.  Between the words he said and the way he looked at me, I knew I had to give him every reason to walk away.  More for his sake than mine.  Actually, if we’re being honest here, I never wanted him to walk away but I knew he had to.  And if he wouldn’t, I knew I’d have to do it for him.

We joked that it was complicated, but never truly laughed about the situation we found ourselves in.  It is what it is.  Unfair?  Certainly.  One of life’s great tragedies?  I don’t know if I’d go that far.  But in essence, it definitely sucked to know that it never stood a chance.  I couldn’t let it.  I couldn’t let him lose everything for me.  I always knew that if he wouldn’t walk away, then I’d do it for him.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.”  Marilyn Monroe said this about herself and I used her theory as my own- (in hopes) to make it easier for us both.  I (tried to) ignored his sweet words of affection- which he called me out on- because I didn’t know how I could keep my defenses up if I believed them.  And now here I am, missing them.  But if I have to miss them to protect him, then missing them is what I’ll make myself do.

I’m a little bit hurt right now.  Somewhat confused.  But if this is how I need to feel for him to be okay, then I’ll do it for him.  I just wish it wasn’t so complicated.  I wish I could have returned his affectionate words with my own.  I wish I could have dropped my guard completely.  I wanted to, but there was just too much for him to lose.  And if he doesn’t come back, though I wish he would, I hope that he understands and realizes how unselfish I really am.

Song of the Moment: Words I Couldn’t Say performed by Leighton Meester

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3 thoughts on “i’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. i make mistakes, i am out of control and at times hard to handle.

  1. The full Monroe quote is a long-standing favorite of mine, and one of the only two quotations that I gave permanent residence on my facebook info page: “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” I am a lifelong fan of the legend that is Marilyn Monroe (though I prefer her Norma Jean persona)…and that particular quote is my favorite of hers. 🙂

  2. Considering the entire blog, the statement doesn’t fit you (the “a little insecure” is beyond an understatement for you at the time of when this was written).

  3. Neo, I really appreciate your comment. I’d actually be interested in hearing more from you and what made you pick up on this so clearly. You’re absolutely right in saying that this doesn’t sound like me. I remember writing this post in an attempt to relief myself of some of the uncertainty I was feeling at the time. Looking back on that night, in which the post was written, I realize that I should have chose differently. I should have realized that I was escaping myself- and what I stand for- instead of getting caught up in the newness and excitement. The truth is, I found myself in a situation, unfamiliar to me, and lost a sense of myself as a result. I appreciate your comment because you’re reminding me how off I was- and have been. And how important it is for me to abandon this whole ordeal and get back on track. Sincerely, thank you.

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