I told him I was trouble. (I’m really not.) I said it to him- more than once- because I felt like I had to. Between the words he said and the way he looked at me, I knew I had to give him every reason to walk away. More for his sake than mine. Actually, if we’re being honest here, I never wanted him to walk away but I knew he had to. And if he wouldn’t, I knew I’d have to do it for him.
We joked that it was complicated, but never truly laughed about the situation we found ourselves in. It is what it is. Unfair? Certainly. One of life’s great tragedies? I don’t know if I’d go that far. But in essence, it definitely sucked to know that it never stood a chance. I couldn’t let it. I couldn’t let him lose everything for me. I always knew that if he wouldn’t walk away, then I’d do it for him.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.” Marilyn Monroe said this about herself and I used her theory as my own- (in hopes) to make it easier for us both. I (tried to) ignored his sweet words of affection- which he called me out on- because I didn’t know how I could keep my defenses up if I believed them. And now here I am, missing them. But if I have to miss them to protect him, then missing them is what I’ll make myself do.
I’m a little bit hurt right now. Somewhat confused. But if this is how I need to feel for him to be okay, then I’ll do it for him. I just wish it wasn’t so complicated. I wish I could have returned his affectionate words with my own. I wish I could have dropped my guard completely. I wanted to, but there was just too much for him to lose. And if he doesn’t come back, though I wish he would, I hope that he understands and realizes how unselfish I really am.
Song of the Moment: Words I Couldn’t Say performed by Leighton Meester