The last few days must have been the calm before the storm. Then again, nothing was calm about this week besides the moments with Max and/or a glass of wine. But even with Max by my side last night, with his adorable smile and innocent laugh, my head started spinning. Soon pounding. And when I stood up to find something for my headache, that’s when the nausea took over. I looked over at Max and knew that my only hope was sitting my his side.
Unfortunately the worse happened after I left. Feeling pale and frazzled, I made it past the doorman into a cab. Twice I held back the urge to have him pull over, but wanted to prove that I could calm down enough to make it home.
Without sharing the details, I’ll admit that what I thought was a migraine may have actually been a panic attack. It’s been so long since my last, that I could have sworn they were a thing of the past. But knowing how off I’ve been lately, I shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve been struggling to express myself and forgot what that’s bound to do to a person on the inside. I guess it’s safe to say that now I know.
I’ve been telling everyone that I’m okay, because honestly part of me believes I am. Sure, I’m in a funk/possible Quarterlife Crisis; however, I’ve been through stuff like this before and obviously survived. But last night, amidst everything, I called my mom because sometimes a girl just needs her mom. Not only did she help me through my weak moment, but sometimes a girl also needs her mom to say a line like this:“Kristen, it’s okay not to be okay.”
Besides dealing with the hangover of an anxiety attack today, I’m hanging in there. Even though I feel the sting in my heart, I truly believe that it needed to happen. And I need to keep remembering that it’s okay not to be okay.
I’m going to try to take a break from the blog for a while. This may mean a few days or a few weeks. With grad school starting in 10 days (gasp!) and everything else that boggles my mind these days, I just need to cut back on some things and I think this is going to have to be one of them. So until next time…