don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars; seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing, it’s okay not to be okay. sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart; but tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising, there’s nothing wrong with who you are.

The last few days must have been the calm before the storm.  Then again, nothing was calm about this week besides the moments with Max and/or a glass of wine.  But even with Max by my side last night, with his adorable smile and innocent laugh, my head started spinning.  Soon pounding.  And when I stood up to find something for my headache, that’s when the nausea took over.  I looked over at Max and knew that my only hope was sitting my his side.

Unfortunately the worse happened after I left.  Feeling pale and frazzled, I made it past the doorman into a cab.  Twice I held back the urge to have him pull over, but wanted to prove that I could calm down enough to make it home.

Without sharing the details, I’ll admit that what I thought was a migraine may have actually been a panic attack.  It’s been so long since my last, that I could have sworn they were a thing of the past.  But knowing how off I’ve been lately, I shouldn’t be too surprised.  I’ve been struggling to express myself and forgot what that’s bound to do to a person on the inside.  I guess it’s safe to say that now I know.

I’ve been telling everyone that I’m okay, because honestly part of me believes I am.  Sure, I’m in a funk/possible Quarterlife Crisis; however, I’ve been through stuff like this before and obviously survived.  But last night, amidst everything, I called my mom because sometimes a girl just needs her mom.  Not only did she help me through my weak moment, but sometimes a girl also needs her mom to say a line like this:“Kristen, it’s okay not to be okay.”

Besides dealing with the hangover of an anxiety attack today, I’m hanging in there.  Even though I feel the sting in my heart, I truly believe that it needed to happen.  And I need to keep remembering that it’s okay not to be okay.

I’m going to try to take a break from the blog for a while.  This may mean a few days or a few weeks.  With grad school starting in 10 days (gasp!) and everything else that boggles my mind these days, I just need to cut back on some things and I think this is going to have to be one of them.  So until next time…


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