I wish I could sing. Or dance. Gosh, watching So You Think You Can Dance always leaves me wishing I could express myself and inspire others like those dancers can. Some days I wish I could run my heart out for miles and miles. Run so far, so fast that nothing was left of me.
But I can’t sing nor can I dance. And besides a few miles every now and then, I could never call myself a runner. So when I need to express myself, I turn to my inner- Carrie Bradshaw and I write. I write to seek understanding for my weary mind and answers for those questions that keep me up at night. I write to provide refuge for my vulnerable heart and courage to the things I both fear & desire to feel. I write to feel more like myself because to me, writing is my singing; my dancing; my running.
But when a writer can’t write, what does she do?
Last week I struggled to find the words to express myself and current (potential) Quarterlife Crisis for the Stratejoy Blogger application. For three days I wrote and then deleted possible explanations to not only share with those reading my application, but also for myself. I needed to figure out exactly what has been bothering me and if this summer funk is more of a Quarterlife Crisis after all. Between you and me, I wasn’t satisfied with the application I turned in. The words on those pages were only just words because I just couldn’t find a way to express what I’ve been going through. The words weren’t there to make sense of it, once and for all.
For someone who relies on words to be her vice, it’s difficult when the words are not able to be found. You go to bed at night hoping that those words will find their way home in the morning sun. You pick up a pen multiple times a day wondering if the inspiration will come as the tip hits the paper. Without your words, you struggle to find your voice and make sense of your feelings. You fight to find them knowing that until you do you’ll never be able to find the relief you seek. For a writer without her words simply can’t be. With no words, she can not be everything she’s always known herself to be.
I need to find my words. I need to understand what I’ve been going through.