day- dream- er.

There’s no way I could describe him. What I’ve said is just what I’m hoping for.

Daydreamer by Adele

Usually after a weekend in Pittsburgh with my family, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated.  I’m typically ready to get back to the grind in Chicago, and the lights and sounds of the city immediately awaken my soul.  Usually…typically…though not always.  After arriving back last night, I’ve felt everything but refreshed, rejuvenated, and awakened.  Unfortunately this summer funk didn’t stay in Pittsburgh.

I had a difficult time waking up this morning.  I swear I hit Snooze at least twelve times.  I never once fell  back asleep but instead found myself lost in daydreams.  One after another, or sometimes the same one with brief intermissions as I turned over to hit Snooze again.  My mind is just everywhere; and sometimes nowhere at all.  Oh, and forget my emotions.  They are all over the place these days.  Take last night for instance.  After letting my frustrations get the best of me during my flight home, I was overcome with jealousy watching  the newly engaged Bachelorette couple on After the Final Rose gushing over one another.

Seriously, Ms. Medica?  Weren’t you the one hoping that she wouldn’t make the mistake of letting this great guy get away?  And not just that, but you were jealous of a reality TV show couple?  Can I please get an ‘oy vey’ here?  Okay, don’t roll your eyes at me just yet.  I’ve done enough of that myself.  Let me explain where I believe that atypical jealous side of me came from.

To me, JP encompasses everything a gentleman should.  Kind, caring, compassionate, honest, genuine, and so much more.  A man’s man with a heart of gold.  Exactly everything I’ve always hoped to find in a man.  Despite making comments about hightailing it to NYC if he wasn’t chosen, I’m not in love with JP.  I’m really not.  Do I wish that he walked into my life instead of going on that soul-crushing show?  Maybe, but he didn’t.  However, I cannot help but wonder if my jealousy arose because of the similarities I see between JP and another guy who has come into my life.

I haven’t said much about that very special guy and there are a few reasons why.  Not only am afraid of jinxing whatever this is/could potentially be, but I am also unsure about what I think and how I feel.  Not to mention, I have absolutely no idea what he thinks and feels about me- if anything.  But I will admit he shows up in my daydreams.

If we’re being honest here, I’ve begun questioning whether my summer funk has something to do with my feelings for him.  Or perhaps better put, my uncertainties about his feelings for me.  Whatever it is- or isn’t- I’m just ready to get out of this mode once and for all.  But how can you shake something when you’re not even sure what it is?  Can liking someone really make you feel this off?  Is it worth it just to know the one you’ve always hoped to find, the one you daydreamed about for all those mornings, actually exists?

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One thought on “day- dream- er.

  1. I remember how hard it was being single, and watching shows like that where people have these sparkly happy endings, and seeing friends get married and get engaged… and now I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years, and I love him, but things are hard. like, massively hard. Like you don’t know if you would be better staying and having it be hard together or ending it and having things be hard alone. This isn’t what I expected when I begged god, the universe, fate, to bring me the man of my dreams. I wish I had enjoyed my single life a little more. Enjoyed the simplicity of my choices only affecting me. Of spending time with whoever I wanted whenever.

    I guess the grass is always greener.

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