I really don’t know where to begin. Gosh, I don’t even know what to say. But I do feel like I need to say something. For my own sake, I need to say something. On my last post I shared that I had a big decision to make, and I’m (sorta) happy to report that I made that decision or at least part of it. And while I was happy about that decision, I found myself saddened by having to raise my voice in defending my decision to my mother. To my mother, the woman who I hoped would understand and support my decision to overcome any obstacles and follow my heart. I am so disappointed and upset with her right now that I honestly do not plan on talking to her anytime soon. It breaks my heart but right now I cannot bear to be surrounded by anything/anyone that does not support my decision to pursue, what I believe to be, my life’s calling.
With my frustrations running down my cheeks (in the form of tears) as I rode the bus home this evening, I found myself struggling to make sense of it all. From the decision I’ve been trying to finalize for months now until the moment my mom expressed her disapproval, I just couldn’t understand what lesson was meant to be learned. Isn’t there always a lesson to be learned? Isn’t there always a reason why everything happens?
I stared out the rain-covered bus windows as the same-old thoughts and questions ran through my emotionally drained mind. There I was again, Searching… Believing… (Always) Wondering Why. Why can’t things be simple this time? Why can’t I finally make my decision and be on my way to the happiness I seek?
As I look back on my life, I truly appreciate every bump in the road; every scar on my heart; and every mistake that turned into a lesson learned. That’s the beauty of reflecting back on the past- you’re filled with admiration. But when those bumps, scars, and mistakes are happening now, well it’s another story. It’s difficult to gain perspective when you’re feeling overwhelmed with confusion and, perhaps, some heartache. However, it’s not impossible. For what we can do is take a very, very deep breath and let ourself take a moment to look down on the situation with (as) clear (of) eyes (as possible). So these large brown eyes of mine are going to keep searching for clarity; keep believing in my heart’s passion; and continue wondering why I let things get in my way of obtaining true happiness. XOXO
PS. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. It’s been a long day and this really helps me feel a bit better.