I felt my defenses rising as my parents began their inquiry last night on my plans…my finances…my love life (or lack thereof). Wait….my love life? What love life? And did the word ‘husband’ really come from my father’s mouth? Did my mother actually compliment me for being guarded when it comes to guys? Wow…and none of us were even drinking. I’ve never had full-out conversations with my parents about any of these topics, let alone all of them rolled into one. But there was something in the air yesterday because I way was too open about feelings I typically keep hidden within.
The only rationale that I’ve been able to come up with (in regards to yesterday’s openness) is that I’m tired of hiding behind my own lines. The truth is this- I am stressed-out more than I, myself, realized. I am exhausted from trying so hard to take care of myself and everyone else. (Note: No complaining here at all. This is my own fault; it’s just who I am.)
I don’t really know why but I have the hardest time letting others do things for me. Actually, let me turn that around to make the statement more accurate and say, I hardly ever let others do things for me. Take today, for instance. I literally struggled for 20 minutes (if not longer) before finally agreeing to let my mom do something for me; and only gave in because she wouldn’t budge (and it was making me uber-uncomfortable). To be honest, I definitely still feel guilty about her act of kindness and generosity. So if I struggle to let someone (my own mother, for goodness sake) do something for me, how can I possibly allow someone take care of me? How can I let someone love me?
I’m not sure what I’m scared of anymore… or if I’m even scared at all. Personally I worry that I’m so used to being independent and taking care of myself (as well as I can), that I don’t know how to let someone in.
I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning, after a solid night’s rest, and immediately recognize the lightness in my heart. I wish I could sense that over night my walls had tumbled down. I wish that I could take a deep breath and say, “Okay. Today is the day that I’m finally going to let someone else (help) take care of me.”
Maybe tomorrow isn’t the day, and instead perhaps tomorrow is the day after the day that I admit to needing someone to take care of me. At any rate, I hope the day that I let someone take care of me (finally!) isn’t too far behind.
Song of the Moment: Hiding my Heart by Adele