I responded to his question as honestly as I possibly could, “No. Not at all.” Isn’t that the truth? I spared him from hearing about my lifelong journey of self-discovery and self-love, not to mention my past struggles with body image, anxiety, and peer pressure (just to name a few). However, I wish my reply would have included the phrase, “I’m finally comfortable being me.”
Now if I told you the actual details behind his comment then you, too, may have Scarlet Letter-ed me with a “C” for Confidence, or perhaps a “B” for Ballsy. But let me be the one to assure you that my actions leading up to that moment- and since then- have been mere evidence of Me Being Comfortable Being “Me”. Something that I lost once upon a time and have aspired to get back for a very, very long time now.
After a day of (fake) St. Patrick’s Day fun with the girls, which included two separate conversations with two different couples, I found myself back at home around 10:30 pm somewhat-sober and filled with clarity as I recalled lines that I professed early in the evening:“I really am fine with being single. I’ve been single my entire life, and in all honesty, if anything, I worry that I won’t make a good girlfriend…fiancee…wife.”
In the last six months I’ve had the honor of meeting/connecting with 4 guys who have made me rethink my previous notion that All the good guys are taken. (Note: Three of those four guys are from Ohio which supports my belief that I will end up with a guy from Ohio.) Anyways, last night I let all my guards down- as I’ve been doing more of lately- and admitted the following: “I’d be a fool not to take a chance on some of these guys. I’m at the point in my life where I don’t want to have any regrets. I’ve been there, done that. So I’m living my life. I’m doing what I want to do. And if I meet a guy who seems worth it, who wants to take a chance on me, then I’ll let myself give it a go.”
Despite being uttered after many drinks last night, I remember these words which I spoke to my friend, Savita, and her boyfriend, Patrick: “I don’t want to be with someone just ‘to be with someone’. I want to be with someone who challenges me and inspires me to better myself. I want to be with someone who understands and supports the (volunteer) work that I do, and lets me live out the dreams I have.”
“I want to be with someone who feels that I do the same for him. Someone who is challenged and inspired by me, and knows he can be honest with me about his dreams and his goals. And if I cannot give this to him, then I know I’m not the one for him nor is he the one for me.”
All of this rambling can be summed up in the following way: I want someone who will Take Me the Way I Am. Someone who likes me for ‘me’. Someone who accepts that I’m not quite myself until I have my first cup of coffee in the morning, and encourages me to ‘write a blog post’ when he senses that I have way too many things on my mind. Someone who understands that, like Carrie Bradshaw, I, too, will always need some breathing room and my girls’ nights out.
A week hardly goes by without someone asking, “Why are you (me) single?” And while I shoot back with some sly remark, with hope to change the subject, my honest (conscious) answer is, “I’m not quite sure myself.” But this whole ‘confident’/self-actualization experiment has me believing that this ideal someone whom I envision is out there. Maybe I know him already; maybe I don’t. Whatever the case may be… he is out there. I believe it now more than ever. And whoever he is, all I can say is, “That poor guy has no idea what’s going to hit him.”