He asked me if I was okay, and after a few minutes of hesitation and one attempt at a lie I wrote back, “No…but I just wanted you to distract me.” This was the truth. Of course he called me back, even though I really didn’t need him to. He asked what was going on and I answered honestly, “I just didn’t want to lie to you. It’s fine. I’ll be okay.” He called me back an hour later, even after reassuring him again (via text) that everything was fine. But he knows me. He knows my lies & my truths. He knows that if I say “I’m fine” then it’s a 50/50 chance that I’m not; that I’m just saying it so he doesn’t worry. But Matt knows me, maybe too well. He’s been one of my closest friend since I was seventeen years old. He’s seen me through my worst days and stood by my side these last few years as I’ve taken chance after chance, becoming stronger & braver than ever before. He knows that I’ve changed; however, he also knows that I’m still me: Kind-hearted, selfless, hopeful, overthinking dreamer/adventurer.
Proving to be the distraction I requested, Matt and I covered an array of topics that covered the span of our 10-year friendship- including our little tryst at being friends-with-benefits. All you need to know is that it wasn’t too successful, but we had fun and we’re still friends. Isn’t that all that matters now? Moving on… it was through our conversation- even the FWB discussion and my point that we’re better off as friends (so true)– I knew that I had to open up to Matt about what’s been bothering me this week. After all, he already knew the background- which was coincidentally me at my worst.
“I feel crazy… this whole thing is crazy,” is how I started before unleashing the new background details on the situation he once knew as well as anyone else could. Unlike my mother the night before, Matt listened and advised me more than I ever imagined possible. His reassurance was comforting. His wisdom, my guide.
To be honest with Matt, I have to first be honest with myself. So self, I know you know but let me say it anyways: “I’m struggling here. I’m trying to understand why and how. And why…why now?”
It’s taken me awhile to get to the spot where I am comfortable enough to be honest enough to open up completely to others, and, most importantly, myself. Responding “No” to Matt’s initial inquiry was something I never would have done, but I knew I needed to. I knew that I need to let him in. Let him know that I”m baffled beyond belief, and that I’m frustrated. That I’m not afraid of being honest, just as long as honesty is granted to me in return. I’m not afraid of the truth- even if it will initially hurt. In fact, I want to hear the truth. All I want is the truth.