This moment contains all moments. (C.S. Lewis) Today I recall the moment in 4th grade during our annual St. Mary’s Kennywood Day, when I learned firsthand that when a boy tries spitting on you from the swings it’s not because he doesn’t like you but that he does. That summer day in June 1994 may be responsible for my lack of understanding in the World of Boys, or perhaps rather it painted the picture a little too clearly: Girls will never-ever be able to fully understand boys. As a 10-year old girl in overalls and a crooked ponytail, I had no idea what lay ahead of me. All that mattered was what was happening in the moment. Nothing else.
This moment contains all moments. If asked how many times I’ve been in love, I’d probably mistakenly say, “Once”… overlooking a possible in love situation back during my high school days. After all, doesn’t everyone typically have their first love (and first heartbreak) in high school? Okay, let’s just say I was in love with him; or at least very much in like. A best friend for years, I found myself as a senior disheartened by the fear of the unknown of life after high school and therefore, clinging to the comfort of his familiarity. Although he had liked me for years before, he didn’t feel the same then. Worried with the moments that lay ahead, without him by my side, my first heartbreak set in. Remembering the pain of that time convinces me that I was in love…in an 18-year old kinda-way. It was then that I forgot to enjoy the moment at hand and instead focused more on what the future could hold.
This moment contains all moments. Like clockwork, every Friday evening in the winter of 2009, typically around 7 pm when I got home from the gym, I found myself battling a panic attack. In my new 1 bedroom apartment in my nearly friendless new city, Chicago. As I tried to catch my breath, I found myself getting more worked up as I wished I was joining friends at Happy Hour in Columbus. Why did my gut instinct tell me to come to Chicago? What am I doing here? But two years later, I look back on those moments with clarity and appreciation. For those weak moments have helped define who I am today.
This moment… right now… contains all moments. Each adventure and every lesson is with me today, in this very moment. This realization came over me yesterday, twice in fact, as I engaged in individual conversations with my friends, Stef and Michelle. As we bonded over shared experiences and overwhelming insecurities, and I found comfort in knowing I’m not the only one, I realized how far I’ve come. That I am who I am; I know what I know; and I feel what I feel because of everything I’ve been through. Those guiding moments are always with me- whether always aware or not.
We go through life questioning why things happen and then trying to figure out what they mean. Most of the time the answers are not as easy to find; and in other cases, we may not find them until we stop trying so hard to make sense of it all. Instead we Live in the Moment. Accept that the Past Guided us to the Present Moment. Let All Those Moments Take Us Towards the Next Moment…
This moment right now does contain all moments, but this moment will also be included in all moments that are to come. And in this very moment there’s something important that I want to say. (Attention: The walls are coming down.)
I don’t feel as though I’ve been clear about my writing on this blog. To put it best, this blog is like a journal to me. At the end of a long day, I turn to it for reflection. When stressed at work, I take a break to seek its comfort. And when I have questions or unfamiliar life experiences, I turn to it for guidance. So for these reasons, the main person my blog is for is me. Everything I write in it, all of the reflection, comfort, and guidance is for me. For me to remember all my moments and how tomorrow holds all of yesterday’s moments as well as today’s. For me to remember that I am the product of my good days & bad days; my strengths & weaknesses; my loves & heartbreaks; the confusion & clarity; and yesterdays, todays & tomorrows.
(Walls breaks down further.) Several moments of my distant past caused me to lose trust (in others) and even myself. But so many moments since those adolescent days have me trusting again. This moment contains all moments, and is allowing me to be stronger, braver, and wiser than any other yesterday. Those moments have made me and that’s all the clarity I really need…and for people continue to help me overcome my trust issues.
Days turn to night, Night turns to whatever we want. We’re young enough to say, “Oh, this has gotta be the good life. This really could be a good life.”
Song of the Moment: Good Life by One Republic