one more unfinished song

If I run, will you run after me? If I walk,  will you wait patiently? If I fall, will you have sympathy? If I run, if I run, will you run after me?

If I Run by The Harters 

In the land before blogs there were diaries, or journals as we prefer to call them.  If I was a betting person then I’d say that my first journal was written during middle school, as it was the fad of the 90’s girls.  Coincidentally, or not, my journaling began as boys entered my life.  They quickly became my Muse and my Weakness; my Confidence Booster, yet my Kryptonite.  There was so much to say; so much to write.  But for some reason, since I opened my first journal at least 14 years ago, I never had luck continually writing entries.  In packing up my childhood room in my parents’ house a few years ago, I came across dozens of journals with months of lapses between pages and hundreds of unfilled sheets.  On some of those pages I found the remnants of songs.  Lyrics.  Lines of love.  Words of heartbreak.  Words. Phrases. Ideas. Songs Unwritten…reminding me how I used to seek comfort in expressing my thoughts & feelings through incomplete songs, as I dreamed of becoming a songwriter.  Just one of the many dreams I once had in that bedroom of mine.

Those words, those unfinished songs, told Stories of Boys Past.  So many boys; so many stories.  Okay, there really haven’t been too many boys but there are definitely a lot of stories to tell.  My Stories: Childhood Memories & Teenage Dreams.  And while the stories were different, each song had one thing in common.  They were all unfinished. 

As I wrote that last line I heard Matt’s voice telling me, “You always run away.”  Unfortunately he was right at a time and there’s evidence to support his claim; however, before indulging into that, let me first defend myself.  I am not a quitter.  My will is too strong, perhaps too stubborn, to give up.  In fact, I’ve only quit one thing in my life (high school soccer team) and it was something that I analyzed for an entire summer before trusting my gut instict.  (Looking back, I still would have quit although part of me wishes I didn’t.) 

But… when it comes to the topic of boys, relationships, and whatever else comes in between… I’ve been known to throw in the towel many times and fairly quickly.  You can say I have issues, but save your breath because I’ve known that for a while now.  That’s besides the point.  The fact of the matter is why do I have these issues?   Why am I so quick to flee when it comes to crushes and potential relationships?  Okay, let’s leave the past in the past for time’s sake.  I mean why should I waste my own time rambling on about middle school ‘boyfriends’ that I ‘dated’ for a few weeks?  (I was always the dumper; and I’m not bragging about that.)  Instead let me explain, or attempt to, how I feel about these unfinished songs of mine.

I’m not sure if I really know what happens (to me), but it happens all the time.  Maybe I get anxious…which leads to insecurity… soon doubts about myself….doubts about what I’m feeling… ideas that I’m crazy for thinking that he could possibly ever like me.  Soon that feeling takes over and convinces me to let go.  Honey, what were you thinking?  You never had a chance with him.  He’s better off with someone else.  I let go; I run away; and one more unfinished song ends without the (right) ending. 

But like only one, maybe two, other time(s), something feels different.  I haven’t let go yet; I’m still holding on with a semi-tight grip.  Something is telling me not to run away this time:  Stay. Don’t Give Up. Believe. Be Patient. “He is Good. So Good.”  You’re Not Crazy. Believe.  Something, whatever it is, makes me feel like this is/could be right.  And interesting enough, I’m not the only person who senses it.  Elicited by a conversation with my former boss, JD, another co-worker caught me off guard with her inquiry:

Julie: “Are you in love?”

Me: “No.”  (Thinking, ‘I don’t think so.’)

Julie: “Are you in like?”

Me: (I couldn’t lie nor could the smile on my face.) “Yes, I like him.”

Between you, whoever it is that reads this blog, and me…I don’t want to run away.  Though I worry I will.  I worry that I’ll fall back into my bad habits as doubts and insecurity set in- as they’ve always been known to do.  But what if the comfort of bad habits lead me to run?  Will another unfinished song join the others as I take that first step in the other direction, or will something, someone pull me back…preventing me from running to far…just this one time?

 

“Come on… give in to me.“