it’s not about change, it’s about growth. it’s all about growing up and finding out who you really are.

Ironically enough, Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl) inspired me to write this post, as well as to connect with myself over this concept.  So thank you, Ms. Waldorf and/or Gossip Girl writers for these wise words giving some always-appreciated inspiration to keep living my life and striving to be the best version of myself.

At the end of The Witches of Brunswick episode, Blair says reassuringly  to Chuck, “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.”

I’ve shared before that when I was younger, I used to wish on anything wishable (candles, 11:11, shooting stars) for a boyfriend.  If all those wishes had come true, then I probably would have dated half of Hampton’s male alumni and a portion of the hottest and most famous male celebrities between the years 1995-2003. 

In the summer of 2003, those wishes seized as I came to my senses- sorta.  Instead of wishing for a boyfriend, I made the mistake of wishing for something else: I wished to change myself.  If I only knew then what I knew now…things may have been so different but life is what it is and there’s no way to change the past so all you can do is grow from it.  At twenty years old, I began abandoning who I was under the false belief that it was what I needed to do.  My naivety had me convinced:  New School = New Me.  Let me go back and say that having lived in the same community (let alone same house) since I was four years old, I had only been Kristen Medica who lived in Hampton on Cheyenne Ct.    I knew a lot of people and a lot of people knew me.  I was known as being a ‘nice girl’ and ‘friends with everyone’.  But with Hampton appearing as a backdrop in my rearview mirror as we drove to Athens, I decided to leave it all behind me.  And by ‘all’ I mean ALL.  Everything.  With a big college campus in Ohio as my new home, I decided that I could leave Kristen Medica from Hampton behind because no one would neither know what nor where  “Hampton” was.   (Or so I thought.) 

Boy, was I such a silly little girl back then.  But you know what, I had to learn from my mistakes- and learn I have.  Since that time in my life, my world has been flip-flopped and twisted around.  My eyes have been opened and my perspective widened further than I ever knew possible.  And this my friends, is what growing up is all about.  It’s scary and sometimes very scary, but there’s no avoiding it.  But once you accept that growing up is about growth and not change, then you are on the right road to finding out who you are and what you’re capable of.  I think it’s appropriate to say, the world is your oysterwhatever that really means.

But back to Ms Waldorf and her eye-opening quote that I adore: “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.”  Yes, I’m single.  Everyone I know knows I’m single, and the entire world of Facebook knows too.  But I promise you that I’m neither a bitter single girl nor a cynic when it comes to love.  Even if I find myself writing about love, fate, and all that jazz on a sleepless PMS day, I promise you that I’m not at all cynical.  I say this because it’s pertinent to know before I indulge into my next thoughts.

Let me refer to a past post of mine titled, don’t you think 19 is too young to play by your dark, twisted games?, where I addressed the importance of connecting with yourself and not relying on someone else (a boy) to help you do so.  It’s the line that I hear my mom’s voice saying, “You cannot expect someone else to love you until you love yourself.”  Or maybe it resonates with you if I say it this way: You cannot expect another to give you the love you need to give yourself.  Don’t get me wrong, men are wonderful!  They have a way of making us feel pretty when we don’t feel pretty; making us happy when we’re sad; and giving us confidence after we lost it through our last broken heart.  But while they’re wonderful, charming, cute, and good kissers, they are not the only ones that can give you love.  You can and must give yourself that love first and foremost.  In order to be the best version of you possible, you need to figure out who you are- outside of a relationship- before you can be in one.  You need to know who you are as “me” before finding out who you are as a “we”.

I know this is a concept harder for some to grasp more than others, but it’s definitely a point that I need to make to anyone who will listen.  Now I am trying to keep my inner-Carrie Bradshaw from lecturing here, but this is one of those areas that my single girl status knows a thing or two about.  From my perspective, as someone more than just a single girl but someone who has found the growing pains for many years, I’ll tell you this little secret: You have to find yourself in order to give yourself.  I know we all want to be loved, heck I want to be loved too.  But there is so much more to love than just finding someone to love you.  I think that’s the misconception that our generation has about love.  We mistakenly believe that love is the answer to all our problems.  We have false hope that once we find love, we’ve found it all.  True and false.  That’s why it’s so important to figure out who you are first because then once you find love, well you really can have your cake and eat it too- again, whatever that means.  What I mean is, once you love yourself you can have it all.  We all want love.  We want it so bad that it makes us miserable and selfish if we don’t have it.  We crave it like a drug.  But why don’t we crave personal growth- which brings us so much love- like that? Why don’t we crave to grow up and find out who we really are?

At that naive young age of twenty that I spoke of earlier, I got trapped in the misconception that growing up meant changing.  And then I met a boy and I thought that I needed to change who I was in order for him to like me more.  Looking back, I think he saw through my own confused self and liked me just the way I was.  Yep, I’m a silly, silly girl.  But really, what made me think back then growing up meant changing who I was?

When I moved here two years ago (almost to the day), I knew things were going to change.  I was in a huge new city, with a new job, and only knew a few people here.  I knew things were going to change, but I never once thought that I had to change.  Parts of me have changed, but I also think that you can best contribute it to growing up and finding out who I am and what I’m capable of. 

You know that upon moving here, with the anxiety of the unknown and loneliness of the transition, I really wanted a boyfriend.  I wanted someone to be there for me as I began a new chapter of my life.  I wanted someone to provide some stability in my new world of changes.  But I was alone.  All alone.  And looking back on that time, two years later, I am glad that I was alone. 

Like Blair implied, you have to figure out who you are as “you” before you can figure out what else you’re capable of being.  I needed to figure out who I am- out of my comfort zone and away from friends and family- and I can definitely say that it’s exactly what’s happened….and will continue to happen.  And one day, I’ll bring the ‘me’ into a ‘we’…but not until I have a self-assured ‘me’ to make that the best ‘we’ possible. 

Poor boy has no idea what’s about to hit him!

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