it’s not always rainbows and butterflies

Another whirlwind week for this girl.  Again I find myself in disbelief that it is Friday night.  What even happened this week?  Being sick is what threw a curveball into my typical routine, and oh yeah, my friend Laura was in town for 1.5 days.  Now it’s all coming back to me…

I sit here tonight, preparing for an early bedtime because I have an early wake-up call in order to meet Laura at the Megabus stop at 6:15 am.  Yes, the same Laura.  It’s a long story but in essence, she’s in town to interview for a position that would bring about her relocation to the city. 

So what does that mean for me?  Why am I writing about this tonight?  I’m not sure, but I do feel the need to get my feelings out of my head.  I’m not going to digest everything, but I’ll start by asking myself the question: Am I really okay with staying in Chicago if Laura moves here?  That is the most important question and the first of many. 

Somehow I found myself talking about a new roommate, new apartment, and new neighborhoods… all in Chicago.  Seriously, is this what I want?  I don’t know.

It was only a few days ago that I was talking to a few friends about applying for a job at the children’s hospital in Seattle; researching internships and grad programs in Austin, San Francisco, Boston, and Columbus; and sitting on a dream about moving to Florida for my ultimate job.  And now I’m close to agreeing on signing a new lease to keep me here in Chicago.  Again, is this what I really want? 

The squirrels were running around in my head last night as I tried control all of the thoughts: Do I like it here?  Do I want a roommate?  After living alone for the past two years, can I even live with someone?  Do I want to move to a new apartment, new neighborhood?  Do I want to stay in Chicago?  Can I still handle being at my job for another year? 

Worrying about all this stuff isn’t going to give e any answers.  So what is the answer?  What do I want the answer to be?  If I closed my eyes right now, or kept them open, I could image what I want my life to look like…and I’m okay with it being here in Chicago.  I really am.  I know that it will never look the way I imagine it, but I know that some of those images are capable of becoming true.  And even though my recent daydreams and ‘what if’s have taken me to Seattle and Orlando, I’m not really seeing myself in either place- even if the opportunities are part of my dream. 

So where does that leave me?

This Chicago…isn’t it the same Chicago that I previously announced as “not feeling like home to me” and “I don’t feel like I belong here”?  Isn’t it funny how things change?  Here I was, struggling to find my place and the feeling of belonging here, and after two years I think I may finally be onto something.  Perhaps the stars have been working their way to align this whole time.  How can I walk away now?  Am I supposed to stay?  Do I belong here now?

I’ve come to the conclusion that Chicago has been my boyfriend for the past two years.  I should probably update my Facebook account to read “It’s Complicated” as my relationship status- tagging Chicago if at all possible.  (Hmmmm…)  It’s been quite a roller coaster ride of what I describe as “good days, bad days”, but knowing that I’m still here, 2 years later, is proof that I’ve never given up the fight.  Even amidst the heartbreak and lonely nights, I still continue to give this relationship chance after chance.   

Some relationships are worth fighting for and maybe this one means more to me than I realize(d).  Only time will tell…

 

It’s still two human beings trying to get along, so it’s going to be complicated. And love is always complicated. But humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. — Eat, Pray, Love

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One thought on “it’s not always rainbows and butterflies

  1. Some relationships truly are worth fighting for, if they mean enough. it seems like you had a revelation of the sort over the past few weeks between realizing you and chicago/you and your job were in a relationship and the prospect of a new roommate. These things can all be good, and I am happy to see you looking at it with such a positive eye

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