wake up lonely with you by my side, one more night it doesn’t feel. there are movies playing in your eyes, you dream of our fortunes. but you’re wrong. i don’t belong to you.

Instead of writing another love letter, I think it’s time that I stop hiding behind the pen and ‘fess up to what’s really going on.  I am feeling so down this week.  I cannot seem to shake it.  Like every other funk I went through the possible diagnosis: Sick? (No.) Period? (No.) Tired? (A little.) Sad? (More than I like to admit.) Lonely? (I guess.) In need of the weekend? (When am I not.)

So if you put all of these symptoms together, the diagnosis is quite simple.  Drumroll please….I think I’m just in the wrong M-F ‘relationship’.  Following?  Trust me there are other symptoms that favor this diagnosis, but I’m going to save you from (some of) my ramblings.  You’re welcome.

Now you know I’m not good at relationships, in fact I’m horrible at them.  Or is it fair to say I’m horrible if I don’t do them at all?  (To be debated and analyzed later by my shrink.)  So based on what I’ve learned from romantic comedies and others’ experiences, when one relationship isn’t working then it’s time to A) walk away; and/then B) either find a new one or take time to be by yourself.  Unfortunately when it comes to the inevitable M-F ‘relationship’ world, at my lovely age of unstable, non-existent savings account, I cannot literally afford to talk time to be by myself. 
Okay, enough with the analogy.  I really do see this as being in a relationship; a really bad relationship.  Should a job ever feel that way?  It takes up so much of my time and almost all of my energy.  It’s been draining of me of my sanity as well, especially lately.  Every day I try to think positively, but as soon as I enter the building- if not before- it’s gone until I feel the fresh fall air of the evening upon me…as long as I don’t think about having to repeat the cycle again tomorrow.
  
I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but it’s not always easy to walk away from a bad relationship, is it?
In catching up with my DVR I was easily comforted by Robin’s line in How I Met Your Mother:“I am done with this (city).  It wins. I just want to move somewhere near and start over.”
 

This is and isn’t how I feel.  I still cannot figure out my verdict on this city.  It’s far from perfect, but is it worth giving up without testing the waters of a new ‘relationship’.  Do I belong here with ‘someone’ else?

 I literally packed my bags and said goodbye to my friends for this relationship.  I’ve given 2 years of my life, fighting every dragon along the way.  I’m tired.  I cannot find the energy to even wake up in the mornings- not even with the incentive of Starbucks.  Is this taking chances is supposed to be?  Do you man-up and face your fears only to fall flat on your face?  What am I missing?  Is this the reward for fighting the battle of life?  Haven’t I paid enough dues to deserve something out of this deal?

Is this my fate?  Where I really belong?

So maybe this is a love letter.  A love letter without much love.  This is my last chance letter before the goodbye:

Dear ‘Reason Why I Moved to Chicago in the First Place’,

Are you worth the fight anymore?  What am I really still doing here?  Do I belong here anymore?  Because honestly, if I really do, then you’re going to have to step up and show me why.

Waiting for your response,

Kristen

Song of the Moment: Belong by Cary Brothers

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4 thoughts on “wake up lonely with you by my side, one more night it doesn’t feel. there are movies playing in your eyes, you dream of our fortunes. but you’re wrong. i don’t belong to you.

  1. hiiii kristen,
    my name is Mireille from Egypt..!:) i just wanted to tell u that GOd sent u for me ! while reading ur blog i felt i am reading mine ! i feel similar to you in many things… i suffer from guilt so much and find difficulty forgiving myself… i am in love with kidsss and kids stuff and i am always dreaming abt things ..i can’t stop dreaming..! and many other things … i am really thankful God sent u to me ..! u have a lovely pure heart!:)
    Thank u…

  2. Sometimes the choices we make are good for the right amount of time. But soon after, it’s time to change it up again. I often compare the way I move from city to city to how I change shoes every 6 months. You can only do so many miles sometimes. I used to think this was a BAD thing…but it’s a great thing. Sometimes moving around—not necessarily from job to job, but from place to place really allows you to connect with people all over the place and really get a feel for the entire world. I know you feel stuck right now, and two years seems like a long time to be in a place, and things are stable right now. But my rule of thumb is that you can’t sacrifice happiness for what’s comfortable (because there truly is a difference)
    Often, I know I am ready to move when I begin feeling how you feel about your job now: like the relationship has ended, like all that was good left a lasting effect on me, and now it’s time to move on. You’re young, you have the time NOW to travel. I suggest you hop in the car and take a road trip….buy a plane ticket or just meet a stranger. All it takes is a new pair of shoes…woops i mean a new place or person sometime : )

    1. Thanks Libs. Maybe I’ll start with a new pair of shoes- why not:). But seriously you just gave me a little push, one that I cannot always give myself so thank you.

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