no expectations, no disappointments.

I really hate saying this…I really do.  But when it comes to my blog, I am an open book, and therefore, I’ll just say it.  This week’s vacation has unfortunately not lived up to my expectations which is very disappointing.

Since I didn’t yet blog during last year’s family vacation to Stone Harbor, New Jersey, I’ll tell you now enjoyable it was.  Six days, seven nights of blissfulness and pure relaxation…and most importantly, no anxiety. Because of that, I had such high expectations for this week.  What a fool I am!  You know what they say about high expectations…they only leads to disappointment.

I mentioned my anxiety/blahness in a post on Tuesday and sadly that hasn’t yet fully disappeared- even with my efforts to improve my mood.  (ie. Mom/Daughter date to Eat. Pray. Love.; family cornhole game; beach reading; naps; bike riding; walking & morning coffee dates with my mom)  But today, with the sun shining for the first time in three days, I decided that enough is enough.  I laid in the beach, finishing The Romantics and taking a nap, and then decided to go for a walk.  With Carrie Underwood’s Play On cd on my iPod, I walked along the shoreline taking in the sites.  Mostly I saw groups of kids building sandcastles and digging holes- just like Nicky and me used to do many, many years ago.  Were we really that young?

It was an enjoyable walk especially since I was able to tune out some of the emotions and anxieties that I’ve been feeling.  My family has quite a history in Stone Harbor so being here brings about stories from my parents’ youthful days (ie before kids) and our childhood ‘summering’ here, and causing memories to resurface from my past.  The montage can be shortened into these few words: Hampton. High School. College. OU. Ohio. Friends. Anxiety.

As I turned around to head back to rejoin my family, I discovered that my walk was going to be a bit more emotional during the second half.  The words during this montage were now: Love. Casey. Heartbreak. Sadness. Confusion. Fate? Chicago. Happiness?

Thoughts were not running through my mind, as were hundreds of questions all beginning with what if… As I passed couples, kids, and families, and thought of my own, I imagined what it would be like to have a boy(friend)(fiancee)(husband)(kids) enjoying my Stone Harbor with my family…one day.

Then I heard the line in the song, Temporary Home: I’m not afraid because I know this is our temporary home. Those lyrics made me question what I’m (still) doing in Chicago…seriously, what am I doing?  Tomorrow is Friday and our last full day here in Stone Harbor, and soon I’ll find myself back in Chicago- which, right now, I’m not too happy about.  Unless some unexpected miracle occurs, I’m going to head any  back without epiphany, nor, even, simple reassurance that I’m headed in the right direction.  Could that mean I’m not?

I finished reading The Romantics today, and while I’ll admit my disappointment in the novel I will still share that I did enjoy it.  After all the plot alone of past lovers whose love is still strong after all those years, is simply enough to keep my inter est; however, the novel evoked different, unexpected emotions and thought from me- including this:

When you fall in love, you find yourself trapped in a world of expectations…the main one being that he will love you back. When your heart is broken, your expectation are…well, you don’t have any.  All those expectations that love once brought into your life are not devastating disappointments.

So what’s the solution?  Forbid yourself from falling in love- therefore, controlling the amount of expectations/disappointments in your life?  Or, do you let yourself live and love…again?


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