the fight for you is all i’ve ever known…so come home.

Hello world, hope you’re listening. Forgive me if I’m young, for speaking out of turn. There’s someone I’ve been missing. I think that they could be, the better half of me.

I cannot stop listening to the version of the song, Come Home, by One Republic featuring Sara Bareillis.  There are thousands of reasons why this song speaks to me, especially right now.  Some reasons are difficult to explain with words as they are felt by me from within, one in particular that no one knows…yet.  But before I get into that let me share another So You Think You Can Dance contemporary performance from last night’s episode.  This was is to a cover of the song, Heaven is a Place on Earth, performed by Robert & Kathryn, about a solider leaving her loved one before going off to war.  Here it is case you want to watch it yourself, because I’m not going to scrutinize it.  Instead I’ll say that it’s one of the reasons why my mind is where it is today. 

Is there anything more difficult than saying goodbye to someone (?) knowing that you may never see them again?  The worse goodbyes are those when you cannot say ‘goodbye’ at all because ‘goodbye’ somehow translates into “The End.”  In that case, is it easier to say nothing and walk away instead of saying ‘goodbye’?  By not saying “goodbye’ is there still a chance of seeing them again?

When you haven’t seen someone in a while, it can be hard to imagine them.  You can focus solely on them, blocking everything else out from your mind, but no matter how hard you try you cannot seem to see their face.  All you want to do is see their face.  Seeing their face lets you know that they are real and not just a figment of your memories, or even worse, your imagination.  You find yourself searching for evidence to prove that they do in fact exist, and that evidence usually tends to be a broken heart.

Last night I saw his face…literally, and again this morning.  But unfortunately it’s not how it sounds.  I’m a little hesitant to admit this but my blog is an open book, so here’s the story.  Actually, I don’t even know how the story began, but I’m guessing that a tired mind & tired body played a role…as well as the inevitable stalker network that is known as Facebook.  Unfortunately I cannot blame it on the alcohol because there was no alcohol.  Facebook stalking isn’t a crime yet, right?  Let me know when it is so I can cancel my account. 

Okay, last night…Facebook…the imfamous ‘him’.  First, let me say that, to my knowledge, he does not have a FB account.  (Smart boy.)  Seriously, I don’t even know how I came across a photo of him.  Searching OU people…saw a mutual friend of mine and another friend…recognized the last name…and then there he was.  I cannot explain how I felt because I don’t know how I felt.  I can tell you this though:  All of the anxiety that I’ve been feeling suddenly disappeared just by looking at his photo.  My mind wasn’t running in circles nor doing backflips and cartwheels.  Looking at his photo I felt okay…until I realized that it was only a photo.  He may always be only a photograph in my life.  (But) always many, many memories.

This song is playing in my head right now along with ‘Come Home’.  Pictures of You- The Cure

Without any pictures, I saw his face again this morning on my walk back from Starbucks.  Out of the blue, there he was.  He looked like how I remembered him.  He looked at me with his brown eyes making me feel like there was no one else on those crowded streets.  I didn’t hear any cars honking nor pedestrians on their cell phones.  It was only him and me.  I wish he really was there.  He stayed with me for a few seconds, which felt longer.  But then he was gone and reality set in.  He wasn’t there.  He’s never there.  

I saw him again later this afternoon.  Again I wasn’t expecting to see him, but I was glad I did.  Honestly, words cannot explain how he makes me feel but my feelings for him speak for themself.  Any man who can chase anxiety out of my life through a photo, yeah, I think that says a lot.  And on that note, I think I’ve said my peace.

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