i learned to live half alive and now you want me one more time

I hear you’re asking all around if I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms

~ Christina Perri, Jar of Hearts

So You Think You Can Dance has done it again!  Another inspiring performance that brought repressed emotions to the surface for me.  This performance to the beautiful song, Jar of Hearts, was done a few weeks ago but I wasn’t yet ready to write about it.  I am now.  Here is the performance in case you want to watch it for yourself.

While the performance centers around an ex-boyfriend who returns to the one whose heart he broke, I found myself moved with thought of my own ex-boyfriends: Anxiety & Depression.  Two ex-boyfriends that I’ve kicked out many times before, but found myself giving my heart to them again (and again) when they say and “I promise I’ve changed” and “it will be different this time”

Why do I always believe them?  They’ll never change.  I’m such a fool. 

I’ve shared that Anxiety has been banging at my door these past few days, hoping that I’ll give him another chance.  But what I didn’t see coming is that Depression was hiding behind him.  Together they know how to bring me down, using their sweet words and reverse-psychology to break down my walls.  They rip my heart out every time, ganging up on my weaker self to surrender to their superiority.   

They don’t even see me as anything more than another souvenir for their collection.  I’m just another heart to them.   I give them my all and they just break me into a thousand like puzzle pieces knowing that I’ll never be able to put them back together correctly and be whole again.

Each time I gather up enough strength to break-up with them (either together or one at a time), I always have the gut feeling that they’ll find their way back in again.  Unfortunately, I’m usually right.  Still I long for the day when I know that they’re both gone for good.

I woke up from a dream this morning, one that I wish my alarm clock didn’t ruin by waking me up.  Apparently it was my wedding day but the actual wedding never took place in the dream.  Still, my family and friends were present, as well as what I presume to be my dress.  Even the groom’s family and friends were there.  The groom never made an appearance, although I knew exactly who he was, and in my dream I remember explaining to myself that were following tradition by not seeing one another on the actual day. 

Can I admit that I woke up disappointed?  For one, yes, I did not want to go into work this morning.  (What else is new?)  But honestly, even in my groggy state I realized that as long as Anxiety is in my life, I doubt that there will ever be a potential groom by my side nor a ring on any of these fingers.  It makes me so sad to say that, but it’s true.

For anyone who has ever battled anxiety, you know that it holds you back from…well…everything.  It helps you become your own worst enemy.  You and Anxiety are a couple and therefore, there’s no room for anyone else in your life.  I’ve wasted so much time and energy by being in this relationship.  A few months ago I really thought that it was over.  I hadn’t heard from him in a while and I was feeling so strong, maybe even happy.  But that strength has been dwindling and I just hope I can get it back up before he attacks.

Dreams like last night remind me who I want to me.  I’m anxiety-free in my dreams.  There are no limits in my dreams.  I’m who I want to be in my dreams.  I have a place in this world.  I am capable of loving and accepting love in return.  I feel whole.

But when I wake up those good feelings are quickly replaced and I find myself trapped in a world of limits once again.  Why do I let Anxiety do this to me?  I feel like I’m half alive.  I know I’m walking but I can hardly think or feel what I’m doing.  If anything, I feel numb.  Sometimes I can feel the pain, but mostly I’ll just feel numb- that is if I feel anything at all.

I’ve let anxiety hold me back for years that I really only know how to live with it.  Horrible, isn’t it?  The sad thing is, I know I’m not the only one.  But like many others who suffer from this bad ex-boyfriend disease, we wonder will I ever feel alive (when awake) again?  Or does that only exist in a dream?

5 thoughts on “i learned to live half alive and now you want me one more time

  1. i’ve been there. it hurts. or more accurately, it doesn’t hurt when it should. it’s so disheartening when the feeling comes back and smacks you around after a good stretch, too.

    the only thing i can think of to offer is what my dad always tells me. it’s kinda cold comfort, but in a weird way, it helps me. maybe it’ll help you too: “don’t ignore your problems, but just keep walking through them. you don’t have a choice; you either keep moving or you die.” it’s harsh as hell, but it’s also strangely empowering to me to notice my problems, but to move through them like a boat through a weed-choked river.

    1. That’s great advice. I use to run from my problems or try to ignore them, and I only learned the hardway. I’m trying to identify what’s causing them and addressing them. So thank you for reassuring me that this is what I need to do.

      How was the BAR?

  2. Hey I know what you mean about running away from your problems. I’ve been friends with anxiety for all my life as long as I can remember, I never really hoped I could ditch it cause it was sort of comforting in a way. But I know it’s a lie now, it’s just like feeding a lion so he’ll be quiet. You can feed him all you like hoping he’ll be content, but there’s going to come a time when he’s going to try and take more than you are willing to give.

    That’s a pretty terrible metaphor, but yeah some bad stuff happenned in my life and now I’ve been running from my problems for 2 years and it feels like I woke up here and I’ve become this. It’s almost like I’m numb even to how bad the state is that I’m in. Anyway I’m going to give this song a listen and nice to read tonight that there is someone else out there who can understand the pain, of a life serving anxiety.

    1. Jamie, I enjoyed reading your message this morning. So glad you stumbled across my post. Anxiety really is a frenemy, isn’t it? In a way it’s comforting because it’s something you know so well, something that you (think you) know so well. While my anxiety has been tamed for almost two years now (thanks to a doctor recommended prescription), it still comes out ‘to play’ every now and then.

      While I hope the song helped you, mostly I’m glad you’re realizing that you’re not alone. And more importantly, that you can overcome this. That’s the thing about anxiety- you don’t think you can. Anxiety is an abusive relationship. It convinces you that you cannot live without it. But believe me, YOU CAN and YOU WILL. If you watch that dance performance of Jar of Hearts, then really pay attention to 1:20 when she finally gives herself the strength to rise above and say “enough is enough”.

      I’m sending you the strength & courage to tell anxiety that you’ve had enough.

  3. Omg! I was looking for the lyrics of jar of hearts because it describes what I’m going thru now.. Didn’t know ur post describes how u feel now…

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