will you do something for me, please? just picture your life for me? thirty years from now, forty years from now? what’s it look like?

I ended this morning’s post fairly quickly so let me share a few more thought as where my anxiety-ridden mind was/is.  To recap, I’ve been feeling very much not like myself these past few days and trying to figure out why & how to change that.  Today my optimism was noticeably absent as I mention that I’m pretty much going day-by-day carelessly (which I strongly dislike) and with absolutely no obvious direction.  As exciting as that may sound, it’s not when you’re a twenty-six year old single girl, living paycheck-to-paycheck in a city that still doesn’t feel like home after 2 years.  (And breathe.)

The title of this post is a line from The Notebook as Noah poses this question to his beloved Allie.  So let me play Allie and answer this question accordingly (for me). 

You know earlier today I mentioned that I’m questioning what I currently believe in, if anything, and my desire to have something to believe in.  I also shared that I just want to know it all ends to give me some necessary momentum to keep going or, if necessary, to figure out the right path to get me there.  Let me clarify that I’m not asking for my life to be perfect nor my journey to be perfect.  Quite frankly, I need challenges in my life.  I don’t need my life to be a predictable movie script either.  What I do want is for this heroine to be reassured that she’s headed towards her happy ending- or at least a chapter of serenity is in her near future. 

I used to be able to imagine what my ideal life would look like in Columbus.  The city was comfortable for me; many of my friends were there, or at least within driving distance; my family was only a short drive away; and most importantly, I felt like I knew I belonged there.  But now, it’s a totally different story.  I know what I’d like it to look like…but I know that it never will.  Those friends are all scattered across the country now, and as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not even sure if I see myself in that city anymore. 

So while I know what my the dream life would entail, reality sets in and paints a blurry, unreadable image.  I cannot decipher the setting (city, state, country) nor the role players (friends, family).  And to be honest, right now I’m not even sure what the future me is doing (career).  Like I said, I know what I’d like it to look like, but is any of it possible?

Any other questions?


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