do you remember when you used to make us watch your favorite movies over and over again? well i finally asked you why you liked watching movies you’ve already seen. “i like knowing how things are going to turn out.”

We used to have a small video store right near my house.  We’d trek through the Robinson’s back yard, cross Middle Road, maybe run inside Wagner’s Market to pick up something for dinner for my mom, and then over to browse the aisles for the available VHS tapes.  Yep, no DVDs yet.  Does that age me?  Anyways, I remember looking for something new to catch my eye;   however I tended to always choose the same ones, such as: My Father the Hero, Now and Then, Casper, Clueless, My Best Friend’s Wedding, and if I wasn’t feeling well then I almost always opted for The Cutting Edge and French Kiss (not sure why.)  I vaguely remember my dad asking me once, “Don’t you want to watch something new?”  “No.  Not really.”  I never knew the right reason to defend myself, but after hearing this line in a Gossip Girl (title of post) I finally had my answer.  Like Blair, “I like knowing how things are going to turn out.” 

These days I still have my go-to-movie choices, although they seem to have a little more depth to them and model some of the aspects in my life more closely.  The Notebook, The Time Traveler’s Wife, and 500 Days of Summer are common ones, and I have a feeling that Eat Pray Love will be on that list as soon as I own it.  These are the movies that I turn to on Sick Days, Bored Days, “Me” Days, Hanging out with My Girls Days, and inevitably on those I Just Need a Good Cry Days.  Why do I turn to these movies on such various occasions?None of these are the basic 90-minute love story, and in fact each of the respective couples face their own obstacles and personal challenges.  But no matter what ride each undergoes, I always know how it ends.  For instance, do you know why I really like watching The Notebook?  It’s because the movie reminds me how important it is to believe in something.  We all need something to believe in.  We need to know that our efforts are making a difference and that we really are working towards something important to us.   

Right now, I need something to believe in.  Stef reminded me of the song  One Day You Will by Lady Antebellum.  One of the lines in the song says: You wake up every morning and ask yourself, What am I doing here anyway?  I know, I know.  Everything happens for a reason…life is about the journey, not the destination…yada yada yada.  But with the anxiety I’ve been experiencing lately, this question floats around my mind immediately upon waking up and several times throughout the day.  What am I doing with my life?

Time and time again I refer to myself as a dreamer, but fail to elaborate that it means I’ll also a believer, believing that the dream actually has a chance of coming true.  Because of this quality I have a hard time giving up on things.  Mix it in with my stubbornness (from my father) and my will-power and you have someone who is willing to fighter for anything she’s believes in.  For instance, do you even know how many times I wanted to give up on Casey?  Every day for years, but something within me said to keep believing.  So I believed.  I believed even though it pained me to think about him, to wait for him; but then it hurt more not to.  But now I wonder if he was nothing more than something that I made myself believe in.  I fought myself to keep believing in him; in us; that we were meant to be together (for some serendipitous reason).  I believed that I always knew our ending, and therefore, all of our obstacles were worth fighting through.  But maybe my beliefs were all wrong…

Belief makes things feel, feel alright.  Those are lyrics from the song Belief by Gavin Degraw.  I used to listen to that song over and over again, and now, I cannot.  I just tried listening to the song when I linked it and had to turn it off.  What happened to me?

Yesterday I found myself angry as I was walking through Lakeview to meet up with Stef & Rory, and I told them about this because I couldn’t believe it myself.  I am not an angry person at all and never have been!  What is wrong with me?  Sorry Chicago, but I have to hold you somewhat responsible for my current emotional statement.  I think I’ve grinned and bared it for so long and now feeling the repercussions of those repressed feelings…maybe?  Whatever it is, it needs to end.  My head is pounding with  pain and anxiety.  I need something to believe in.  I need to know that this is more than the life is a journey BS that I’ve been feeding myself. 

I need to believe in the line, beauty attracts beauty, that I read in Eat. Pray. Love. yesterday.

I need to know what I’m fighting for. 

I need to know how this all turns out so I can keep myself going.  Because right now, I really don’t know.  If you tell me what it’s all about, I’ll keep fighting.  I promise.

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3 thoughts on “do you remember when you used to make us watch your favorite movies over and over again? well i finally asked you why you liked watching movies you’ve already seen. “i like knowing how things are going to turn out.”

  1. let me tell u hw i came to writin this comment..
    i was watchin “Remember Me” and stopped on something said by Robert in the movie
    “you once told me, our fingerprints don’t fade from the lives we touch. is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit?”
    googled it n found ur blog…read ur post on the same..
    saved ur blog link n read this post of urs…
    i can relate to everything u said.. the going back to movies close to heart, thinking of urself as a dreamer and believing it’ll come true…
    truth be told, i’ve nvr commented on any1’s blog and ur post is like a page out of my life.
    i think what ur fighting for is down the road waiting for u..it is a journey, but there is also a destination..meanwhile u try to enjoy the way.
    life isnt a movie. u wil nvr lk it if u knw the end..thats the beauty of it..
    the uncertainty is the best part..
    thats wat i’ve come 2 believe in..
    i really think we shud get in touch..

    1. Wow. I’m honored and a bit flattered that you surrendered and commented on my blog post. That means so much to me! And thank you for sharing the background as to what led you to my blog. I’m still under the impression that no one reads this, which is fine with me, but it’s always great to hear that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

      If you go back and read my other posts you’ll see that I do acknowlege the beauty of the journey and agree (when optimism accompanies me) that the unknown is part of the excitement. But lately my anxiety has gotten the best of me and I cannot help but ask these questions.

      So again, thank you. And that line from Remember Me is wonderful. Never forget it.

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