cause my friend this too shall pass.

Take a long hard look at my face. Take away the things I can’t replace. Take my heart, go on take it away. I’ve got nothing to say.

Take away this sense of regret. Take the things I need to forget. Take the mistakes I haven’t made yet. They’re all I have left. I don’t want to be the one who lets you down. All I did was run myself around. 

~Things I Never Needed by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

My dear frenemy, Anxiety, decided to surprise me with a visit these past few days.  It’s been quite awhile so I should have seen it coming, but since Exhaustion has been staying with me I just didn’t expect the extra company.   Not to mention, Nostalgia has been popping his head in to say “Hello” this week.  All of these guests while trying to recover from my parents’ visit has left me one run-down little girl, more mentally than physically.  I woke up this morning, after at least 10 hours of sleep, feeling tired and maybe even a bit under the weather.  I also felt sad.  But I’ve worn these sweats before and therefore decided to listen to my psychiatrist and have a ‘me’ day.  He literally prescribed me to such instructions and so I might as well give it a go. 

For some reason I thought that ‘me’ time would be well spent by venturing down to Michigan Avenue for some retail therapy at Victoria’s Secret and a quick stop at Forever XXI, as well as a few short stops for other errands- including a much-needed trip to the grocery store.  On the bus ride down I tried tuning everyone else out; however, when Anxiety is present then it’s a typically failed task.  In an attempt, I began reading Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman, which was suggested by magnolia.  Even though she drew my attention to the last essay, acknowledging that it’s something quite suitable for my thought (and experience) on first love, I opted to start from the beginning.  On the first page, I immediately read something that appealed to me:

I am not qualified to live here.  I don’t know what qualifications are necessary to live in any certain place at any given time, but I know I don’t have them. 

Ohio.  I was qualified to live in Ohio…Living in Ohio was not outside my wheel-house.  But this place they call New York…this place is more complicated.  Everything is a grift, and everyone is a grifter.

Upon reading those few lines I found myself looking into a sea of people who reminded me that I was not in Ohio, anymore.  When I looked up, I didn’t see one familiar face amongst the crowd.  I was the outsider.  The one that left people wondering, What is she doing here?  Okay, I’m probably giving most of the people on the bus more credit than they deserve since most of them appeared to be more concerned with spending their husbands’ and/or fathers’ money in the high-end stores on Michigan Ave.  Instead I was the one thing, What am I doing here? 

When my parents were in town I found myself loving the city.  I was down on Michigan Avenue, surrounded by two people I love the most, feeling content with where I was.  I may have even felt like I fit in…kinda, sorta.  And now, like always, the bliss has left my soul.  exhaustion, are you still here?  Is this why I’m feeling this way?

For the past few weeks I’ve been running on hope.  Hope for a better tomorrow.  Hope that my wish was about to come true.  (It has yet to happen.  I’m losing hope.)  Last night I had a dream about that wish and the message was …(She) is very impressed with you and wants to talk with you.  (She’ll) be in touch with you soon.  Upon waking, Hope told me to believe.  That the dream was a sign of the wish coming true in time. 

But my unwanted guest, Anxiety, always seems to trump Hope.  Anxiety never, ever gives me Hope’s messages nor tells me when Hope stops over when I’m in the shower.  And Anxiety constantly tells me that I’m better off without Hope so it’s better to forget Hope altogether.  Pretend like Hope never existed.  See Anxiety is the ex-boyfriend that always comes even when I realize that he’s not good enough for me.  I know the Anxiety holds me back, but for some reason I tend to give in and let him back into my life.  Anxiety tends to forbid me from meeting new suitors like Happiness, Love, and, most importantly, Confidence.  You know what, that’s a lie.  Anxiety let me once…but I somehow I found myself back in his arms- never allowing myself a fair shot with any of the others.

The sadness rushing over me is ironic because Nostaglia’s visit these past few weeks has also helped me reconnect with Forgiveness.  Replacing regret & remorse with acceptance and second changes typically , but Anxiety seems to be in its fighting shape this time. 

So where do I fit in with all of my guests?  Are there too many of them to even know where to begin?  It seems that way.  But from past hostessing jobs, I’ve come to learn that Anxiety always leaves- sometimes without any warning.  So here’s to hoping  that a better tomorrow is to come tomorrow.  Afterall the sooner, the better. 

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7 thoughts on “cause my friend this too shall pass.

  1. well, now i feel bad that the book i suggested triggered all that. (are you at least enjoying it?)

    anxiety is just the WORST. i get that feeling a lot, where things are just gnawing at you and no matter how well things seem to be going, everything just looks bleak. here’s hoping it’ll pass soon…

    1. You absolutely did not cause it!! Trust me, these thoughts have been there for a long, long time. If anything reading that was comforting to know that others have worn these same shoes before and it’s not just me.

      I am enjoying it and hope to read a lot more today. Thank you!

      You know, Anxiety has been with me for more years than not. But I never fully get used to it nor know exactly how to fight it. I guess I look forward to the day when it’s gone for good.

  2. Tons and tons of good thoughts and virtual little-sister hugs coming your way. I called Hope and told her that she needed to pay you a visit, pronto. Also tried catching Anxiety, but you know how busy she is. Nevertheless, I was sure to leave a message on her machine stating that “she has overstayed her welcome with you and needs to pack her bags and get on her way.”

    Infinite x’s and o’s!

    1. And those good thoughts may cross in the mail because I’m sending some over to you! I think we should live in the same city, fight this Anxiety together!

      PS. You’re so cute! XOXO back at you!

  3. I know the feeling of anxiety showing up at an unexpected time as an unwelcome guest.

    This seems particularly unusual to those of us who have experienced periods of recovery and reprieve. Then one day, it can feel like it either jumps on you or clings to you in some manner that you cannot shake using the mechanisms you have learned and applied thus far.

    I have learned to not panic in such situations. I have learned that this is simply another dimension of my anxiety that I have not fully addressed. My anxiety is a complex weave of factors. Some likely to be chemical, others likely to be habitual thinking, other circumstancial, others who knows what. I may never know them all, but I am getting to know them one at a time.

    So when another thread of the complex weave reveals itself by simply showing up and latching on, I at least feel reprieve in knowing that solutions have always come in the past. Including good old fashioned time.

    And yes, this too will pass.

    I am so grateful to be out of the grip of crippling anxiety. I am so grateful for the moments, hours, and days of serenity. I am so glad to find freedom from the prison of my own head.

    I believe that something similar exists for each of us. And I wish it for all of us.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

    1. Wow. Thanks Chaz. You bring up a good point. I feel like I’ve addressed so many catalysts of my anxiety over the years, as I’ve lived with it for awhile, but it seems like there are more layers than I fully realize. And those moments, hours, and days of serenity remind me to keep fighting the good fight because serenity truly is my ultimate goal. Again, thanks so much!

      Keep fighting.
      K

  4. No problem K…

    One other thing that has really helpped me is the realization that when something negative does surpise me, I often feel that this current challenge is the one that I will not get through. My knee-jerk reaction is that this is the deal-buster for my recovery.

    The unrecovered part of my thinking tells me that even though I have enjoyed numerous huge victories, breakthroughs and frankly, miracles in overcoming anxiety, that the current crisis is insurmountable.

    I do my best to dismiss this knee-jerk thinking and re-focus on the successes. Of which there are many. It doesnt take long before I realize that I my thinking almost fell for a lie again. But thank God that I can just let it go and let the new solution come in time. Sometimes it takes effort on my part, sometimes the solution or some clarity just shows up unexpectedly. But reprieve has ALWAYS come. Every time. 100% reliable. Not always what or when I expect, but always at some point.

    And I pass through the challenge a stronger person. I can then be grateful for the challenge.

    Keeping in mind that in all liklihood, when the next challenge shows up, a part of my thinking will probably try to create panic again with another knee-jerk reaction. But gratefully, the voices of my unrecovered thinking are getting quieter and less persistent with every victory.

    This in my experience is the long but wonderful road of recovery.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

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