Jillian Harris, former Bachelorette, responded to the question, Would you recommend the reality TV experience to others?, in the following way:
“I would recommend any experience to others. Whether I had a good time or not. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take, and it’s better to be absolutely absurd then boring. Life is about going for what you want, or going for something you think would be crazy and walking away from it with what you wanted. I never thought of the experience as fake or phony. Yes, the show is produced, but I am as real as it comes so no cameras or producer can take that away.”
Can I be honest here? Even before reading this Jillian was a reason why I even considered for a second going to the Bachelor auditions today since she seemed to share my perspective on dating/life/love. In fact her reasons for auditioning for the show are a lot like mine too. In explaning what made her audition for The Bachelor in the first place, she said, “Easy- drinking wine! Seriously though- my BFF and I were drinking wine [while] watching it one night. I think I mentioned something about the girls being crazy and of course that prompted me to apply. Lo and behold, I get a call!”
So I don’t want this blog to be about love. Don’t let me go there, okay? Instead I want to use this blog to share what’s going on in my world. I feel like I’ve been voicing my ideas on dreams, taking chances, and living with no regrets for the past few posts now, and for good reason given my personal situation. But let’s not talk about that tonight. Honestly, I’m not in the mood. It’s a icky day here in Chicagoland and I’m going to hold that responsible for my even ickier mood. Actually, I’m not sure what my deal is but it’s almost best to blame it on the weather.
Do you ever get into those moods were you don’t know what’s wrong, but you just don’t feel like yourself? You don’t feel happy? Pills don’t help, and wine will only be a temporary fix or a very bad idea if too much is consumed. So what’s my deal? The only things I can reason are boredom and loneliness…and I hate to say this but I have a feeling that work is the catalyst this time. I’ve tried my best to keep a positive attitude, but I think the facade is only making it worse for me. I know I’m not depressed because I’ve been depressed before- and this isn’t depression. And while my anxiety is higher than it’s been, it’s far from the worse I’ve experienced. So what’s my diagnosis? And better yet, how do I really cure it?
It’s better to be absolutely absurd then boring. I agree a thousand percent, but right now I’m bored. I’m bored with my job; I don’t feel challenged at all. Heck, I don’t even feel like I know my place there. I’m bored with my personal life…wait, that’s because I don’t really have one. I mean for goodness-sake, I considered auditioning for The Bachelor just to have one. I’m the type who needs to be busy; have adventure; have things to look forward to; have crushes.
While I’m excited about the volunteer opportunities with Make-A-Wish and Children’s Memorial Hospital that I have lined up, I think I need more. I’m not sure exactly what that entails, but I’m definitely ready for the absolutely absurd. It doesn’t necessarily need to come in the form of love- although it’s always nice. I guess what I really want is that alive feeling that I posted about a few weekends ago. It was the best feeling in the world, but it was my Cinderella moment as it ended as the clock struck midnight. I don’t want it to be temporary anymore. I want it to be ‘me’.
I don’t know if I want to share this or not, but I will. I looked in the mirror the other day wondering, What do they see in me that I don’t see? Why can’t I see it? You may call it a moment of weakness…I admit that it’s an honest moment that I let the walls fall down to reveal. While looking in the mirror, I recalled the voice of someone near and dear to my heart say, “you of all people have nothing to worry about.” I won’t tell you the context of the conversation nor the person in mention, but my response was to shake my head with self-doubt. Why can’t I see myself that way?
I’m not the prettiest girl in the world. I’m not the girl who gets the attention of every guy in the room. I’m not the most popular, nor do I really want to be. I’m not the smartest nor the funniest, and certainly not the richest. I have flaws; I make mistakes; and I swear I drop at least one thing every day. I’m a mess before I have my morning coffee and I’m 100x worse at night when I’m exhausted and refuse to go to bed. But I’ll tell you one thing about me, one thing that I do see in the mirror: Every day I am more comfortable being me than I was the day before. I may not see myself as special as others claim I am, but I know I’m capable of a lot. I just need the chance to be absolutely absurd to show myself who I really am.
This blog is dedicated to Ms. Jillian Harris. I know you had a rough day with the media drama, but you inspired me today with your simple words & for just being you. Thank you.