nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

If you could have a romantic affair with any fictional character, who would you choose?  This was a discussion question posted on the 20something blogger website this past week and after scanning through the responses I decided to post my own character of desire: Noah Calhoun from The Notebook because I love how he never gave up on Allie.  

Someone called me out on my response saying, “Didn’t he give up on her after a year?”  But before I even saw the reply, another blogger jumped to my defense in explaining the love story of Noah and Allie- including the 7 years that passed without any contact between the two and the hope that still remained in both.

Here I am, sitting in another the Memphis hotel after finding out that my flight back to Chicago was canceled and I couldn’t get on a flight until 6 am tomorrow morning.  Not my favorite plans for the remainder of this weekend, but what else can I do other than accept this misfortune and make the best of a crappy situation?  Trust me on the inside I wanted to scream and maybe even cry, but I actually surprised myself by handling it with grace. 

The song Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson played in the terminal coffee shop earlier and these lyrics always strike a chord with me-   I want to believe in more than you and me…which makes me think of the Noah and Allie love story…as well as my own.  Can you imagine waiting seven years for someone?  I can, but that’s not what this post is to be about, or at least not all of it.

Besides the Pen Pal notebook, Alisha and I exchange emails/Facebook messages to keep one another informed of the daily happenings in our respective worlds.  Typically it’s nothing earth-shattering, but we’re girls so you can always could on something going on in our minds, if nothing else.  We have a lot of similar viewpoints and life experiences, as well as the unfortunate anxiety that began the friendship between us in the first place. 

One of our commonalities is our ‘issues’ with guys and relationship.  And Alisha, I hope I don’t offend you by using the word ‘issues’ because I’m mainly using this world to address my own.  Shall I call it commitmentphobia instead?  Well, I can speak for myself and say I have commitmentphobia AND issues.  I really do.  There’s no sugar-coating it here.  We’re all friends after all.  And honestly, if you’re a loyal reader of my blog then you’ve probably diagnosed me with these characteristics already.  (No offense taken.)

The other night my mom shared with me (over the phone, of course, given that she’s in Pittsburgh and I was either in Memphis or Chicago) that my brother made the following comment.  Now let me point out that I was not informed of the context to which this remarkable comment was made, but it was indeed made.

“She needs to date more and not think that she has to marry the first guy she goes out with.”  (Quote made famous by my brother, Nick, evoking insecurity on my end- aka the “she” spoken of.)  Thank you, Nick.  But seriously, is that what you think?  Is that how I come off?  Is that how I really am?

I quickly ended the call with my mom after hearing that.  I wasn’t upset with her for telling me this nor my brother for making the comment, but rather I was overwhelmed with all emotions and thought including the inevitable question, What is wrong with me?

I said this before, somewhere, but when I was younger I used to always envision myself as someone’s girlfriend.  Now, depending on the age, sometimes that ‘someone’ was Grant Hill (elementary school days) or Justin Timberlake (high school days).  But even since college, for the most part at least, my fantasies about being someone’s girlfriend was an actual someone.  Do I need to say his name?

But here’s the thing… no one understands that.  My mom doesn’t, my brother doesn’t, and most of my friends do not either.  Do you think I want to be here, almost seven years later, still questioning why I’m single and more importantly, not with the one that my heart still yearns for?  Why I can sit here at this airport, amongst other places, and not one single guy appeals to me?   Why I still think, he’s cute/nice/cool but he’s not…

Today is not even my most self-confident day, but I can still say with ease that I would make a fantastic girlfriend.  I really would.  So when will I get my chance?  When will my doubts and issues just disappear and let me be ‘me’ (again)?  I make so much progress here and there, but in the end everything is still the same. 

While I remain hopeful that one day all of the pieces of my puzzle will come together.  Maybe it will look exactly how I picture it looking, the way I want it to…and maybe it won’t.  Either way, I just want to feel like the missing pieces are making their way to my table so I can get closer to the final product. 

Now don’t think that I’m imagining a fairy tale here, because I’m not.  I’m trying my best to be as realistic as I can possibly be, which may be a little warped my all of the romantic comedies I continue to watch and the games my mind seems to play on me.  (Anxiety and estrogen are a toxic combination.)  Sure I’ve daydreamed my days away since I was a little girl, and there will always be days when I want to fall back asleep and continue the dream I rather than wake up and face the world (of the unknown.)  But I think about this quote that Alisha introduced me to:

Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.  (Hans Christian Andersen)

Sometimes life may seem like a fairy tale, a romantic comedy, or perhaps a dramatic horror film- but that’s life.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the stressful, etc.  Some days you want to shout from the rooftops how A.MAY.ZING. you feel, and other days you want to stay in bed.  That even happen in those guilty pleasure romantic comedies, but remember that they typically have the happily ever after ending, and we can too.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

During this entire post, I’ve been thinking of the song Fix You by Coldplay.  But when I listen to the song and think about the lyrics, I’m not imagining some guys saying this to me…I’m saying it to myself.  I want to fix me. 

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4 thoughts on “nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

  1. God created you and me so that we could be friends. It will happen someday! And if you lose faith, I’ll try to have enough for you. 🙂

    1. Awe, Stef, this made my Monday morning so much better. I agree, and ditto. We’ll give each other strength. Cannot wait to celebrate your birthday next week at Wilde’s!!

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