they say that home is where the heart is. i guess i haven’t found my home.

I’m going to take a break from the June series to address some of the things that have been going on with me this week.  I’m sure you don’t mind not reading about my past recollections; however, I can promise you that there will be a few more posts in the coming days/weeks.

Before I get started on this post, do me a favor and listen to this song,  Brave- Idina Menzel, and here are the lyrics.  As the lyrics to the song go- Don’t know just where I’m going; And tomorrow, it’s a little overwhelming;  And the air is cold; And I’m not the same anymorethis will give you a better idea of what I’ve been going through this week with my hodge-podge of emotions, frustrations, and overload of thoughts.

It’s been a crummy week, which began on Monday after heading back to Chicago from the lakehouse with the MacPhersons.  (See post if you’d like.)  Yes, PMS played a role in my mood but it wasn’t everything.  Spinning class helped relieve some of the anxiety I was feeling, but unfortunately it wasn’t the end-all solution.  So what gives?

The rejection of the Child Life internship at Children’s Memorial hit me this week, as all of my running around finally slowed down and I had time to think- which is typically problem numero uno.  In processing what happened, the panic set in as I wondered what I was going to do now.  In pondering that, my mind has been spinning in circles to answer all of the questions that go along with that.  Should I apply to other programs, in other cities?  Should I look for new jobs that will give me more hands-on, hospital, Child Life experience- in other cities too?  Should I seriously consider grad programs, in other cities?  And with all of these questions bringing up a possible relocation…what cities should I be looking into?  Where could I see myself living (next)?  And through all of this thinking, and through conversations with both parents, these questions inevitably arose:

Is it worth all of the work; the time; the money?  Am I doing the right thing?  Is this really what I want?

I know the answer to these questions are all yes.  Even on the crummy days, they’re still all yes.  But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t difficult.  When one door closes, another one opens…right?  Well where is the next door?  If I’ve learned one thing since graduating college and it’s that you cannot wait for the doors to come to you, you have to go and find the doors.  But where do I look?  That’s my problem right now; I just don’t know where to start and it’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest.

This is one of the times when I wish I was an innocent third grader again who believed that her destiny was decided by a spin of the globe.  Cities have been playing around in my mind: San Francisco, Boston, Columbus, Nashville, Seattle.  I even gave my dad permission to brainstorm some cities for me, after mentioning some of my own ideas.  At first I said, “Where should I move?”  His response shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did.  “Pittsburgh.” (Sorry, Dad.  I don’t think that’s going to happen.)  We also thought about where I shouldn’t live, and his list made me realize that I truly am his daughter, as he said, “(Not) Detroit, Cleveland nor Philadelphia.”  (I added Dayton and West Virginia too.)  He also said something that touched me, “So you’re going to move further away from us?” This was certainly something I acknowledged when brainstorming my list initially, but I guess I hadn’t realized that he was against that as much as I am…but right now unless Columbus, OH ends up being the city, I don’t think there’s a choice.  I mean I’m a single girl, without any true ties beyond friends and families.  Isn’t this what you’re supposed to do?  Be selfish (in a way)?  Take chances? Trust me, I’d give anything for someone to say, “You’re moving here (insert city).  Here’s the job you’re going to love.  And you’ll live happily ever after.”

I’ll be honest and admit the I failed to mention another city/state that has also crossed my mind.  Anyone who has read my blog for awhile now and/or knows me personally, can probably figure out where that is.

I swear there hasn’t been a dull moment in my life since 2010 began, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  (Though definitely exhausting.)  First there was my online Human Relations course (and meeting my Pen Pal, Alisha), with January also hosting a trip or two back to Ohio and a long-awaited communication with a (past) love.  February and March are just a blur with class and more trips.  April and May are best described as: Brides, Weddings, Ohio, and Travel.

Adriana, I guess that little pact of ours (This Year is Our Year) is being lived out to the fullest.  We have 7 more months to go, and we need to keep ourselves going, and going strong.  I’m in if you are…

Let me sum this post up by saying the following:

I believe that I’ve always believed in fate; that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, maybe even most times, things don’t go according to plan- not unraveling the way we imagined them to.  But we cannot give up, I cannot give up.  It’s so easy to give up, and that’s usually the first thing that we want to do when rejection or hardship set in.  But that’s why belief and hope are so powerful; they carry you towards your goal.

Between me and all of you, I know that this is right for me.  I can picture the end outcome.  I know where I want to end up, generally speaking.  But how do I get there?  Do I turn left, or right, or keep going straight-ahead?  Is there a detour?  A new path that I’m not aware of?  Most importantly, am I headed in the right direction?

This is one of the times in my life where I hear Angelo saying, “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” Besides love and happiness, I’ve always been looking to find some place to call home. I believed that I found it in Columbus, OH; however, I think we know how that turned out.  Before moving here I thought that my new home would be Chicago…but I realized quickly that this was going to be a temporary stop on my journey.

Finding home seems to be a lot like love, and even friendship.  Do you know your home at first sight?   Or does it take awhile to adjust to a place, and one day it just feels right?  Athens always felt like home to me, and of course it had a lot to do with my friends and the whole college lifestyle.  Since then I guess it’s accurate to say that I’ve always been looking to feel that way about a place again.  So where will that be?  And when?

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Songs of the moment:

Dream- Priscilla Ahn

Just Say Yes- Snow Patrol

Temporary Home- Carrie Underwood

Wait till They See My Smile- Alicia Keyes

Are We There Yet- Ingrid Michaelson *Lyrics include the title of this post.

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