so many roads. so many detours. so many choices. so many mistakes.

Another day with another engagement, another pregnancy, and another wedding date (kinda-sorta confirmed).  And just so we are clear, these three are not for just one couple but they are coincidentally in the order of occurrence during my Sunday afternoon.  In a three-hour span, immediately following an unplanned nap, these three celebratory occasions popped into my world.

I’m so happy for all of them.  I really am.  It’s just this tired (in more ways than one) mind of mine cannot help but use this blog as a platform to indulge you in what else is going on in my always-thinking mind.  Now I know that all of my posts recently have been about ‘the fever’, and I promise you that I’m not bingeing on Ben & Jerry’s in the fetal position nor crying my single self to sleep at night.  It’s not like that at all.  Rather it’s my mind that keeps me wondering if I missed the memo that every 26 1/2 year old gets telling her/him that it’s finally time to stop the single shenanigans and grow up.  If there is such a memo then just tell me, but don’t bother forwarding it or anything.

You know, the truth is that I have a hard time understanding why so many people my age are getting married.  I talked to my mom today about this- well some of it.  Every time my mom and I talk, it seems like she’s sharing with me another Hampton engagement/wedding/baby announcement….if I hadn’t already read it on Facebook.  I’m just so baffled that a lot of people who are still living in Pittsburgh are getting married, while the ones that left the city (like this girl) seem to still be single and choosing (?) a different road for themselves.

So it makes me think, if I would have stayed in Pittsburgh too, would I have some sort of ring on my finger?  Did I make the choice to follow the Single and the City path by fleeing my hometown?

Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies. (Carrie Bradshaw)

Now no matter how many weddings I attend, I can tell you that I’m not a settler.  Never have been, never will be.  Vulnerability and the messiness that is life will never change that.  I promise.  If I’ve waited this long, then what’s another few years/decades?

You know I’m going to wake up tomorrow and wonder what all of this rambling was about.  I think it’s the whole tired body, tired mind thing going on, and I haven’t taken my temperature in awhile so perhaps ‘the fever’ is a bit high tonight.  It’s understandable since the first wedding is only a few days away. (Wow.)

It’s so weird because I really am okay with being single right now.  Sure a boy would be a nice treat, but lately other than my occasional gay boyfriends, drunk Cub vendors, and homeless admirers…nada.  Now there was the recent crush, but like I said I’m letting it go whether it’s wise or not.  There’s also this one guy on my commute that I wonder if he crushes on me.  But unfortunately since I first saw him when I moved here, I wrote him off because he is impossibly the perfect concoction of Casey and his friend, Drew.  In fact, not having seen Drew for years, I did a double take the first couple of times I saw this commuter to make sure it wasn’t him.  (It’s not.)  But as ridiculous as this sounds, it still hurts just the same to see commuter boy…think of Drew…and think of Casey.

I was about to watch 500 Days of Summer, but I think I may choose another option tonight instead- especially since I’m thinking about Casey a little too much right now.  Plus being a little vulnerable I think I’ll try to rationalize that I used to be Summer Finn.  Once upon a time, I was the girl who got the attention of guys- more than I knew what to do with.  As I believe I said before, I was the girl whose guy friends used to fall for her.  But unfortunately I never felt the same.  And sometimes my irrational heart told me that it was best to run away… make them think I was a bitch instead of allowing them to hurt anymore than they had to.  Ridiculous?  Yes, I know…now.  And then after those occurrences- mostly in high school and during my freshman year at college- the girl with the black heart fell in love.  And then her heart was broken and it’s yet to fully heal.  Karma is a bitch.

How do you repair a broken heart?  Love?

As much as I try to deny it (in my daily, non-blog life), I do want the butterflies (again).  Give me the butterflies, and I’m yours.

This song just played so I thought I’d share it with you.  Just Say Yes- Snow Patrol


2 thoughts on “so many roads. so many detours. so many choices. so many mistakes.

  1. I read that memo you speak of when I was 21. Then I crumpled it up, broke up with my boyfriend, and here I am…

    I’m wondering if I should go digging for it in the trash? :p

    I forgot what butterfies feel like. But no worries! We’ll have them one day. 🙂

  2. Amy, once again you and I seem to be on the same page. Screw the memo and yes, bring on the butterflies! Thanks for all of your comments. I’ve been catching up on your blog this weekend and love it as always!

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