maybe our mistakes are what make our fate

For some reason I’m feeling a little Carrie Bradshaw-esque this evening.  It may be my low-blood sugar, tired brain saying ‘go to bed’ over and over again and/or the fact that I keep seeing the trailer for Sex and the City 2 (with my beloved Aidan Shaw).  Whatever it may be, along with the little funk I’m feeling right now, my heart is telling me that I’d rather be Carrie Bradshaw than me right now.  And sometimes the heart gets what the heart wants.  I surrender, heart.  You win.  I am Carrie Bradshaw until the clock strikes midnight.

I just realized that I’m even rockin’ a Carrie-kind of outfit with my knee-high socks, short lacy PJs and long sweater.  I look cute, but why don’t I feel cute?  Blame it on this funk I’m in.  Funk seems to be my middle name these days; however, the irony is that I can never see them coming.  For instance, I had two pretty great days with a lot of productiveness and very little stress.  The perfect combination for the week that my Child Life internship application is due.  But today is a different story for some reason and I still cannot seem to snap out of it.  GRRRR…  Anyways, Carrie wouldn’t let a day like this affect her so I’ll try not to end this day on a bad note.  Pinky promise.

After writing a wonderful testimonial piece for my internship application yesterday and really vocalizing why this opportunity is so important to me, I had high expectations for today.  Big mistake.  You know what, pun-intended and here’s why.  So on the wonderful walk-(grocery store)-bus-train-train-(library)-walk commute home this evening, I was going through my cell deleting old texts when one caught me off guard- to say the least.  It was from Casey.  It was the first text he responded back to a few months ago.  It was nothing relevant.  Not a confession of his undying love for me.  But even this little, “I’m well.  How are you?” kind of message still stung with shock and pain. I didn’t realize that I kept it, so to see it was a WTF moment in itself.  For the rest of ride, scratch that, for the rest of the evening I’ve been going back and forth thinking about where I am now.  Even with this funk of mine, I still feel like I’m in the best place I’ve been in a long time.  (Mentally and emotionally speaking, that is.)  However, I know something is missing.

The missing piece is L.O.V.E.  It’s the elephant in the room and something I always know, but can never seem to change.  You know ever since I was little girl, I used to wish that I had a boyfriend.  It was the wish I made on my birthday when I was blowing out the candle, and the hope I had when I ate my strand of sauerkraut every New Year’s Day.  Well one year those dreams came true and I fell in love.  It was more than your typical love though.  It was the cannot think straight, only think about him, believe he was my soulmate- kind of love.  And amongst all of these irrationalities, it was the most painful, torturous experience of my life.  In saying this though, our ‘story’ was the one that is encompassed in movies and novels.  A love that makes no sense at all, even to those involved…actually, especially to those involved.  Okay, enough of the rambling. I guess my point was going to be that ever since this experience of mine, I haven’t yet made a wish for a boyfriend on my birthday, and my New Year’s resolutions are far from being about boys.

As much as I try to deny it, I am a hopeless romantic at heart.  Blame it on the surplus of romantic comedies and shows like Sex and the City. The author of Sex and the City, Candace Bushnell, said that “Sex and the City was about looking for Mr Big and trying to find him.”  Well what if while looking for Mr. Big, you miss out/pass on Aidan Shaw because you’re too focused on what you think your (dare I say) destiny is.  Can you make a mistake and miss your fate? When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past. (Carrie Bradshaw)

What if I’m still subconsciously caught up on finding Mr. Big (again) that I am missing out on the Aidan Shaw (s)?

Anyways, it’s almost midnight and these knee-high socked feet of mine are going to turn barefoot very shortly.  Before Carrie leaves for the night, I’ll give you one last quote that was originally going to be the premise of this entire blog-

As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost.  And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going. (Carrie Bradshaw)

Good night, coulda, shoulda, woulda. We’ll meet again one day, I’m sure, but until then feel free to keep your distance.  I need to trying this ‘living in the moment’ thing for awhile longer.  And until our paths crossed again, try not to break many hearts.