Today has not been my day. For the first time in a long time I woke up to a panic attack. I did everything I’ve learned to do to overcome it, but I sit here hours later and I still am trying to work through it. I’m no stranger to anxiety as it’s played a role in my life for a while now; however, I haven’t had a day like this in a long time. I had the shakes, then the sweats, and then the overpowering headache. AHH! I went outside thinking that some cool air would help, but it didn’t prove to be the solution I was hoping for.
As I’ve shared in past posting, I’ve been K. Funky all week- since I got back from my trip to Columbus. I talked to my mom yesterday about some things, but it’s so hard to tell her exactly how I feel. I’m so torn right now and I guess I’m just looking to feel something. It’s like the Lady Antebellum song, Need You Now, says, Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all. When you’re this down, you cannot feel the pain- which is 1000x worse than any physical pain. You feel numb. You feel lost. You feel like all you want to do is still and stare out at the window. You’re not sure what you’re looking at nor what you’re looking for, but you just want to keep staring because there’s still a tiny piece of hope inside of you.
In the movie, New Moon…yes, as in the Twilight saga movie…there’s this scene that I always think about when I’ve having a bad day. It’s a seem to the song, Possibility by Lykke Li, where Bella is suffering from depression and devastation after Edward and the Cullens left her in Forks. Since I now own the movie, I decided to watch it today. (Here’s the scene in case you’re interested.) Anyone who has suffered from anxiety or depression, the loss and/or death of a loved one, or a broken heart watches this scene and can feel Bella’s pain- or should I say lack thereof.
…this is how I feel today and I’m not sure why. I’ve battled depression before, and my anxiety has greatly minimized over the past year. (That’s why today’s episode was so bad for me.) I just feel lost. Numb. Confused. Looking for something, but not sure what. Searching to feel something, but losing that tiny piece of hope that it’s possible. Maybe it’s just PMS?
Tomorrow is another day, and if anything I’m just more excited for my trip to Cincinnati this weekend. I cannot wait for time with the girls (Rebecca & Adriana) and the pure enjoyment of spending time with Hazel & and little George. Friends, kids, and puppies: That’s what the doctor ordered to overcome this funk. ♥ K
Quote of the day: The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart. (Helen Keller)