before my morning coffee

Good morning.  It’s Monday….wish it was Sunday.  Yes, I just paraphrased Manic Monday here.  I wouldn’t call today ‘manic’, but I’ll say that my anxiety expectantly visited this morning.  These past few weeks have been the worst (anxiety-wise) for me since starting on Lexapro last summer, but I’m learning how to deal with it better.  I have to credit all of my therapies- yoga, spinning, writing, reading, shopping, Starbucks, and even this blog. 

I’m going to spare you and not give you a detailed account of my weekday morning ritual because 1) you don’t care; 2) I don’t want to be reminded of it.  But once I finally leave the house around 6:45 am (gasp), I’ve discovered the joy of walking to the train station.  There are two different buses I could take, but this 10-15 minute walk has become my ‘me time’.  It’s the one time during my day, until my walk home from the gym, that I really have to myself.  Plus, right now the crisp air feels so refreshing and proves to be a perfect wake-up strategy for me.

On that note, let’s go back to my anxiety-ridden morning.  Now, even though I walk past 2 Starbucks, 1 Caribou, and a Panera each morning, I find it most fitting to get my Venti Soy AmeriMisto at the Skokie Swift/bus stop.  It was a very impatient wait today but I managed, leaving my uncaffeinated mind to wander around in the meantime- causing my anxiety. 

Now I warned you that my pre-coffee mind wanders, and today was no exception.  In fact this morning I reasoned that someone must really love me if they love me in a uncaffeinated state like this.  Yeah, even now that hardly makes sense to me, but I just meant that the early morning me is there with all of her flaws shining through.  Behind the make-up and smile is the most simple girl you’ll ever meet.  A girl who just wants to be happy and make others happy in return.  This can be interpreted as a sappy message, so I’m going to throw in a blah, blah, blah because I can.

Now I could blame this morning’s anxiety on my lack of sleep last night and also on my feelings before bed last night.  And I can also say that some days you have it, and some days you don’t….and today is definitely a don’t.  I think it’s a combination of those three as well as the fact that I heard two songs today that hit me.  Both of these songs have relevant meaning to me from times in my past.  In fact, I’m not even sure if I’ve listened to either one of them in a few years.  The one, Lifehouse’s Everything, is a shout-out to my high school days, when this cd was the best thing to listen to when having a crappy day.  Have I even listened to this song since high school?

The second song is Breathless, originally by Better than Ezra; however, today’s version was performed by Ms Taylor Swift, whose music brings out the teenager in me willingly and freely.

I used to listen to the Better than Ezra version of the song over and over again during my senior year at OU.  It was just one of those songs whose lyrics meant something special to me at the time.   (Breathless lyricsI was having such a difficult time back then- anxiety was at it’s all-time high and I was not aware of how to manage it. 

As I wrote that I remember that it’s been 4 years since that time in my life.  Wow.  It’s remembering those moments in the past that help me get through days like today.  Remember how far I’ve come; how much I’ve grown; the lessons I’ve learned from; and the mistakes that have guided me in life. 

Afterall, we are a lot stronger than we think we are.    ♥ K

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